IT’S FEBRUARY THE 14TH, HOMIES! And you know what that means…

I keed, I keed — it’s VALENTIMES DAY, Obviously. I’m not actually kidding about Gregory Hines’ birthday though, for the record. It’s the renowned tap dancer / actor / sesame street guest star’s birthday today (or rathe, it would be if he hadn’t died in 2003. Thanks for bursting THAT bubble Wikipedia).

Here are 5 sweet V-Day gifts from the people of the Internet to YOU, starting with a delightfully geeky surprise from Google land..

1. Twitter user @Huckberry tipped Mashable off to the fact that typing in a certain algebraic equation on Google’s search page plots several different functions on a graph, which forms the shape of a heart:

It’s not exactly an Easter egg (according to Mashable, Google didn’t write the equation) but it’s just as exciting as any amount of barrel rolling. At least for a recovering mathlete like yours truly.

Copypasta the equation to try it for yourself:

sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5


2. Got an office crush? Too shy (or afraid of getting slapped with a harassment suit) to speak up? R/GA’s #OfficeCupid will spill the beans to your dream-sweetie on your behalf. Anonymously.

3. If you’re a Torontonian like moi, plot your most meaningful smooches on the Toronto Kiss Map! Not from the GTA? Maybe your city’s got its own version. I dunno. Google it.

4. “How Hollywood Says I Love You”: Matthew Belinkie cut together this montage of mushy film moments just in time for V-day 2012.
You’ll need either a box of tissues or a vomit bag to make it through the entire thing, depending on how you feel about love today. I feel… I feel like Claire Danes and Kate Winslet need to back up off of Leo DiCaprio RIGHT NOW. #Theboyismine

Bonus video = Heartbeat / Lovemuscle by Tayisha Bussay. Cool song. I do not like that Jelly thing though. Creepy.

5. This Valentine’s day, you can arrange for that golden voiced homeless man turned Youtube star turned raging alcoholic turned Kraft Dinner Spokesman TED WILLIAMS to read your tweets on Youtube. Do I get a box of KD with that shiss?

Notable mentions go to Lovestagram, “I love you” in 100 languages, this iPhone vibrator app that I’m too polite to comment on, and Buzzfeed’s roundup of 150+ Valentines from your childhood (!!!)

If you’re looking to get your Valentine (or favourite blogger girl) something more tangible than Kraft Dinner Tweets and a someecard this year, may I recommend the Pokérose?

Whatever you get your lass or laddy, don’t wrap a Hershey’s kiss in a pipecleaner and call it a “bling ring”, okay? That’s just insulting.

Also unacceptable: a rubber ball from the dollar store, clementines or a frigging Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.

Man, Pinteresters are ghetto.

Finally, a very happy Valentine’s Day from me to you:

We’re Valentine’s now, okay? I have 50,000 Valentines. She‘s probably got even more — and if she doesn’t, SHE SHOULD.

I think this is my new best friend. WHO ARE YOU, MYSTERY SPACE DANCER? Whooooooo?

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