Posts tagged santa
Hey, hi, happy holidays homies! And a very merry Christmas to you from Ikea Monkey, The O’Neil family, dozens of dearly departed cocktail shrimp and all of your friends (okay, friend) here at laurenoutloud.com:
Groundskeeper Willie is not one of your friends if you’re pet shop Santa, clearly.
That photo is from last Christmas, but it’ll never get old because it’s a classic — like Woll Smoth and the 2/10 would not bang thing and innocent mischief and the act of bringing one’s laundry home for mom to do because she’s just way better at than you’ll ever hope to be…
Here are a few photos from the past couple of days in Chatham and Windsor doing Xmas 2012 — relatively low-key with lots of family, food and fawesome fpresents, just the way I flove it.
Oh! And before I forget, the winner of LOL’s BIG 2012 CHRISTMAS SMARTPHONE GIVEAWAY is Ravi Steve with his super soup (get it?)
Big ups to all of the generous contest entrants – if it were up to me, you’d all win phones and ponies too.
I’ve got to “GET OFF OF THAT COMPUTER, LAUREN!” now, but first I must share with you this video from Slacktory in which one man attempts to answer the age old question: “what if Santa were a finance worker named Dave Penderson who drove a 1998 Ford Focus?”
Merry Gifmas to all, and to all a good 5 more minutes that are left of Christmas.
I’ve been writing a “Christmas wish list” every December for as long as I can remember.
When I was a kid, these lists were written out by hand in pencil crayon (Sky Magenta by Laurentian what up!) and addressed to Santa — which I hear is still a thing, somehow, even in the age of information.
They almost always included “a real live puppy” and at least 10 flashy toys I’d seen in TV commercials during my Saturday morning cartoons; the Super Soaker 2000, Veterinarian Barbie, The Talkback Dear Diary… Stuff that seemed so much cooler pre-iPhone.
When I eventually found out that all of the grownups I knew were (incredibly generous) LIARS, I started giving Christmas lists to my parents instead.
My mom still asks me for them, but these days the only thing I really want come Christmas morning is a strong cup of coffee and some chill time at home.
Or so I thought.
I decided that this year, instead of a typed out email list, I’d make a Christmas Pinterest board with all of the items I’ve bookmarked on my favourite online shopping sites recently… and then some.
Finally, I see the value of this beast! TO HELP ME CONSUME!
I decided to share my Christmas Wishlist with y’all in case you’re looking for something to buy the weird, kind of nerdy fashion-loving, 27-year-old female in YOUR life — I also requested things like”black socks! white socks! memory cards! more black socks!” and “A REAL LIVE PUPPY!” is in an email list to my mother. But those things are a given.
Basically, cats and skeletons. Also money for improv classes or one of those working holiday programs. That would be cool.
I actually stumbled upon this sweet rapping paper on the pinny while building my list / board… listboard? loard? blist?
As much as I love Eminem, I’d go for Rapper’s Delight in Green if I were to buy some of that stuff FOR EIGH FREAKING DOLLARS A SHEET. Instead, I’ll wrap my gifts in whatever my mom’s got in the basement on Christmas eve because that’s just how I do.
Speaking of wrap and Christmas, have you see DMX doing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on some radio show yet? It’s a beautiful rendition of the song.
The gift of giving is a nice one too.
Here’s the thing about Santa Claus: He’s one shady, misogynistic mother f***er.
Oh sure, he may bring you a fat sick filled with everything you could have asked for and more on Christmas, but he’ll be back for payment later that week, believe you me. He’ll be back and he’ll be looking for a blow job. From your cat.
That slimy jerk, having his way with my precious innocent angel!
Ahhh, jk jk. If anyone came away from that scenario feeling violated, it was one of (or all of) our dinner guests on Saturday night who had to witness the action up close.
“Oh, don’t mind the cat. She licks everything. Well not like.. everything. She doesn’t lick people… unless you want her to. But not in a dirty way. I’m not implying that you would ever try to get my cat to lick your genitals. I’m just saying…”
Now, for something that’s actually pretty important:
Did you know if you say “beer can” with a British accent, you have also just said “bacon” with a Jamaican accent? TRY IT. (via This Tweet)
Nizzle, OUT! More Boardwalk Empire and family time. We went out for sushi this evening and it was lovely. My bed here is like a cloud and mirrors are everywhere
Hay guy! You haven’t rolled out of the North Pole yet, have you? I know it’s a little last minute, butttt if you happen to have room for an extra pair of leggings or 70 on that big shiny sleigh of yours, we blogger chicks of Ontario would be much obliged
Honestly, I don’t even mind if you have to dress Rudolph and the gang up in my future threads to save space. Prancer will relish the chance to don some JCs – I just know it!
Anyhoo, I’ve been a good girl this year. I didn’t cook while driving or rob any art galleries or even pose as a plastic surgeon and inject cement into a woman’s butt implants or anything!
You know what else? I made my face look like a duck’s as often as humanly possible in order to make everyone else around me seem cooler by comparison. You see Santa, I am kind like that.
I held the door open for soooo many people, too. one time I even waited for like, 20 seconds while the douche behind me strolled on up like we all had nothing better to do than stand around holding doors open. I couldn’t very well drop the door once holding had commenced because I’m Canadian and well… damned if you do, damned if you don’t. It was incredibly frustrating.
Okay, so here’s what I want:
Like the packaging says, they’re “ideal for night blogging!” – something us blogger girls tend to do a lot of. Especially those of us with day jobs. Rumor has it you can find these at the dollar store now… and by rumor, I mean my best friend (also a blogger) found some there. SCORE!
A subscription to Tattly.
Ink is hot right? I love the look of fresh tats, but not on myself because this blogger girls falls in love with something new after every seventh click. If I hadn’t made a conscious decision to abstain from tattoos back when I was 18, Pete Wentz and Soulja Boy would be holding hands on my back right now. Enter Tattly – “designy temporary tattoos” that, honest to goodness, I would be proud to rock for multiple years. A Tattly subscription would bring 8 new tattoos to my mailbox every single month, ensuring that I’m never inkless – but always rocking something new. WANT.
Black Milk… everything.
Leggings, Dresses, Swimsuits. Skirts. Can you maybe just bring me everything from Black Milk Clothing‘s catalogue? If that’s not possible, I can make do with the Galaxy leggings. And the Jaws bikini. And the Buscemi dress. And the 3D Rib Dress. You know what? Let’s stick with “everything”. Thanks Santa. Love you babe
A Simpsons Skateboard by Santa Cruz
I blogged about these back in July. Remember, Santa? I hope you’ve had time to find all 5 of these decks (plus an extra Duff longboard, for riding). They’re going to look great mounted on my wall. Eee! And while we’re on the subject of Springfield, this Simpsons chess set is also dope. Just a thought.
A Pet’s Eye View Camera:
To find out who’s REALLY stealing all of those mittens / socks / hair elastics / necklaces while I’m at work. Prediction: it’s not the gnomes. Prediction 2: This gift will result in so many great Youtube videos… if you’re into a cat food.
A Robot USB hub + Card reader:
!!! He’s functional, adorable, space saving, and he WALKS too. This doesn’t need much explanation.
Some Jeffrey Campbell Shoes
Remember what I said about Black Milk? Same deal. I want everything that JC makes. All of it. Or, at the very least, a new pair of Litas – because what’s a blogger girl without at least 20 pairs of Litas? I’d be laughed off of Lookbook without ‘em. The kitty-cat print shoes, if you can find them, would be ideal. If not, every single pair of these should do. You rule, Santa *kisses*
A DIY Cross-stitch iPhone 4 Case.
A Kitty-Cat Parade Tee.
A USB Typewriter
Because the nostalgia market is on FIRE right now! How sweet would somebody look blogging on one of these bad boys at the coffee shop? Works with Mac, PC, and – my favourite – the iPad. I’ve always said that those things need a better (read A) keyboard. BAM.
A Goat from Free The Children:
It’s not actually for me – though I do love goats. I want a goat for a family in Africa. They can drink her milk and breed her to make MORE goats for MORE milk and improve the quality of their lives greatly. Goats rule! This would be a lovely gift from you, Santa.
Cambridge Satchel Fluro
“Affordable” and “It Bag” have long been contradictory terms. The fact that I wouldn’t have to sell my car for this, one of 2011′s most buzzed about beauties, is awesome. But that’s not why I want it. This bag is simply cute and cheery as heaven. That said, I’d gladly accept a Céline Luggage Tote over one of these if you’ve got some extra scrilla to spend. Such a pretty little face!
The Glow Graffiti Light Paint Can:
Just think of all the sweet photos I could post on Instagram…
I could continue forever Santa – there really are a lot of want-worthy things out there right now. More than I could ever care to own, but desire nonetheless. I love so hard, ya know?
What I want the most this Christmas though, is to be healthy and happy and with the ones I love. Truly, this is all I need to be happy…
And also a new MacBook Pro. And a Canon 7D. And maybe a few animation courses at a really good design school… and a penthouse loft in New York City… and a pony that washes my face every night with her tongue that’s made of washcloth, and her saliva which is 100% fancy face wash.. the kind my mom uses.
Tomorrow begins the “12 days of Christmas” (*gulp*), but if you happen to live in North America like me, the holiday season started… well, around the time Halloween ended pretty much. This past weekend was a festive one, to be sure.
I’d sworn that my days of wearing holly jolly next-to-nothings on stage were over after last year… just like I’ve sworn every other year since I took that undergraduate “Gender in Communications” course and realized that I’m one very confusing little feminist.
That said, I’ve never been the type to say no when a good homie asks me for something so very simple and so very fun.
Plus, who knows how much longer I’ll get to spend with Brock and Galen and the Tiny Danza guys before they’re whisked away to some bigger city? They’re off to play SXSW this spring and then touring Europe. And then… who knows?
So many of the good ones leave. Bittersweet. But mostly sweet.
A whole bunch of our friends were there. Many blurry iPhone photos were taken between sets, ’cause I was all towering in 6 inch heels that I couldn’t rightly walk in.
There, those last ones are better.
For their last song, the boys pulled a bunch of hunnies up on stage with us and everybody was dancing and it was a rollicking good time. Bre Major (she who produced this fantastic video produced at the Roller Derby Gig we covered for vitaminwater) captured some footage. You can see my spindly santa arms flailing here and there. HO HO HO!
It took me a while, but I finally managed to wrangle Frik away from our friends and over to Andrew Richard Designs (East Toronto on a Friday night! ME!) for the Biz Media’s annual holiday bash. I ripped this photo of the Domo Ice Luge from @JonSimo on Twitter. Thanks guy.
You see, I got there after Domo was already dead. This sweet cake was pretty much anihilated too. Serves me right for arriving to a holiday party after 1:30 am. Not enough hours in a day amirite?
I hit the 3D photobooth just in the nick of time. Can’t wait to see how those photos turn out
Then, it was all dead iPhone and Queen West chillin’… back to the homeland. Back to the crib.
Saturday, in an attempt to redeem myself from all perceived Friday-night skankfoolery, I volunteered at a charity fundraiser that raises money to buy baskets of formula for babies whose families don’t have enough money around the holidays. Truth = I agreed to help out with this weeks ago because really, I couldn’t say no to something like that. It just tied in nicely.
I got to hold the biggest Toblerone bar EVER which was up for auction alongside many other more expensive but decidedly less badass things (Resort getaways, spa stuff, cameras, tickets, etc.).
We ran out of raffle tickets at one point so I hopped into my trusty steed and off to Dollarama went. With 10 minutes to spare, I secured a roll of what turned out to be unusable raffle tickets (all glued together and nyeeeaaaasty).
Hey. I still managed to find the ONLY Dollar store in West Toronto that stays open past 9:00 pm (it’s in Parkdale, btw). Give me a break.
Sock bun, I love you true.
Sunday was spent recovering from a long, sleepless weekend. I put out some Christmas decorations and did a whole bunch of cleaning. CLEANEST BATHROOMS EVER! McDonald’s trained this ponytailed 16-year-old well.
Groundskeeper Willie helped me with the laundry.
He really loves to help.
Last night, he helped me choose the winner in our Big Christmas Giveaway! Fret not – you’ll be contacted by tomorrow morning. Just confirming identity and country of residence with my BACKEND INTERNET WIZARDRY!
Here’s a half-opened advent calendar for my fellow cat lovers. All of the fun, none of the toothache!
Lastly, Congratulations to this chick on being the most amazing teenager in living history. Please remember me when you’re all grown up and ruling the world one day.
Remember that I posted a link to an article about you back in 2011.
Ya. Let’s be friends?
Win a seriously sweet Christmas gift from Laurenoutloud.com and Mobilicity.
I’m a technophile, my co-workers are technophiles, and most of the people I hang out with are technophiles. Our gadgets are our children – our very pride and joy.
So wrapped up in this digital world are we that sometimes, it’s easy forget about the people out there who still don’t have smart phones.
Every so often I’m reminded of this on the streetcar or maybe at Zellers when an older bloke’ll pull a Motorola Razr out of his pocket. I get chills at the sight of my old partner in crime just thinking about what life was like before I had the world in the palm of my hand.
The fine folks at Mobilicity are taking action against this most tragic of technological faux-pas with their Give, Get, Share Holiday Giveaway, and we are laurenoutloud.com are more than happy to help.
Check it oot!
Maybe that reader will be YOU. Maybe it will be this guy:
Does he read my blog? He probably should.
Here’s what you need to do to get a brand new Smartphone FOH FREE:
- Comment on this post and tell me WHY you want to win the Smartphone in question
- Get at my in the Twitterverse by clicking this little button -> Tweet
- Or, if you want to do it all manually-stylez, Tweet the following: I just entered @laurenonizzle’s “Oh Snap!” contest. Win a Smartphone + 3 months of service from @mobilicity. #GiveGetShare
The winner will be announced on January the 5th. Many of you will cry, but one will laugh. Oh, how they will laugh…
Now, I must go wrap some last minute gifts. The only elves this Santa has at her disposal were born without opposable thumbs and are thus useless when it comes to tying ribbons and whatnot.
<3 Lauren O’Claus
Can you think of anyone hip-hop-holly-jollier than Carl Winslow himself, Mr. Reginald Veljohnson?
Well, neither could the organizers of Electric Christmas 2. That’s why they decided to book the famous TV father as Santa Clause for the upcoming charity event!
Unfortunately, Mr. Veljohnson was busy dealing with some Family Matters (apparently, his youngest daughter Judy just disappeared one day only to turn up as a porn star 15 years later) so Sean Ward and the gang asked the next most logical fake black cop they could think of:
Yes, it’s true! Yours truly will be playing the role of Santa on Monday night at the legendary Horseshoe Tavern for Electric Christmas 2.
Before you say anything, I want to make it clear that Santa can be a chick. No where in the bible does it say that Kris Kringle has a peen. For all we know, Santa might not even be human. For all you know, I might not even be human…
Come sit on my lap Monday night and tell me if you’ve been naughty or nice! If you prefer, I can sit on your lap and tell you about the time I met Steve Urkel and Uncle Jesse. It was awesome.
Either way, you’ll get a picture of yourself with THE REAL SANTA and nobody can say otherwise without looking totally Sexist.
Come on out and say hi if you’re not busy on Monday! Support War Child Canada, mingle with Toronto’s Twitteratti, enjoy some festive tunage and maybe even walk away with some cool stuff from the secret santa gift exchange. Deets hurr.
I’ve yet to pick up my Santa outfit, but I’m thinking it will be something like this, only with a beard.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.