Posts tagged monsters

Blonde Cookery 101: The Sandwich Monster

I noticed this morning that my bread had like, a skin tag. A bread tag, rather, because bread doesn’t have skin. No wait – bread tags are already things (AND they actually have a PURPOSE. Who knew?). Let’s just call it a doohickey; a wee abnormality that must have formed when the bread expanded outside of its mold.

You go, store brand whole grain whole wheat sandwich loaf! Breaking down barriers wherever you grow. An inspiration to Rye and Pumpernickel alike.

Oh Japan…

Oh Internet…

Oh… No.

OH NOOOOOO.

Anyhoo, back to my MONSTERWICH. I decided to view the doohickeys on my bread as little horns and make a monster, because I rarely ever get the chance to eat monsters anymore.

I brought the sandwich to work and tried to take a photo, but noticed that he didn’t look like much of a monster without a face.

So I gave him one with my teeth.

Beige bread and pink veggie meat. Not enough contrast! Needs tomato eyes and a carrot mouth.

… The kind that stay in place.

HA! Success.

In other news, Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks for stomping the Miami Heat last night in what turned out to be the final game of the 2011 NBA Playoffs.

I am entirely convinced that Frikky’s Obi Dirk image is what clinched this win:

But what do I know. I’m a lot more familiar with funny Internet stuff than legit Ball. On that note, I shall leave you with this video of Hitler reacting to the Heat’s loss…

Shashashasha…

And just so you know – my monster was delicious. He tasted like moutard and plus de sodium, just the way I like it.

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Everything is (SO NOT) terrible

I don’t know how to begin describing what I saw at the Drake Underground Monday night.

I seriously can’t think of an appropriate adjective.

Weird” is too tame. “Awesome” is too lame. “Hilarious” is thrown around way too loosely in my everyday vocabulary to be used on something that literally made my face ache from laughing so hard for two hours straight. My cheeks are quivering just thinking about it.

I’m sure there’s a word somewhere within the English language to describe Everything is Terrible’s Quest for the Magick Crystal Tour… If not  in English, then surely in Mandarin, and if not Mandarin, then SURELY in Newspeak. “doubleplusgood“, perhaps?

Whatever the most appropriate adjective is, it should most definitely be used with an emphatic “fucking” in front of it.

As promised, EIT’s new film (2Everything2Terrible2: Tokyo Drift) pretty much melted my face off just like everything else on their genius flucking website.

If you like post-postmodernist psychadellic pseudo-vintage pop culture remixes, or are a hypersatirical millenial neo-nerd who tries to use schmancy terms in big run-on sentences like me *BREATH*, you’ll love this film.

Also, if you have eyeballs you’ll love this film.

If you didn’t already know, Everything is Terrible = Seven internet monsters who scour the seven seas (but like, on land) for old VHS tapes with so-weird-it’s-pee-your-pants-hilarious stuff on them that isn’t actually supposed to be hilarious but IS hilarious – know what I mean?

Stuff like Educational Christian videos, Cat massage tutorials from the 80s, and the creepiest/BEST yoga workout video for children in the history of yoga, workout videos and children:

EIT takes said VHS tapes, digitize them and puts them online for you to watch at work while you’re supposed to be doing something less awesome.

THEN, they take these fabulous clips and re-mix them into insanely entertaining feature-length films like the one I saw on Monday night during their show at The Drake.

I think I fell legitimately in love with these monsters after seeing them do their thing in person – and by “do their thing” i mean dance around the room, make witty quips in funny voices and teach the audience about shade tippage.


monsters on 12seconds.tv

Did I mention that they’re monsters from the internet? Monsters. From THE INTERNET.


(image by Ashley Macknica)

*sigh*

I used to think I was quirky and unique for loving weird shit like this. Not to sound like a hipster who gets all pissy when their favourite obscure underground band starts to get popular but like… well you know where I’m going with this.

To fetch my dinner from the microwave, that’s where – ’cause that little black tray of sodium saturated goodness certainly isn’t going to walk into my belly on its own, now is it?

yup.

Love always,

Lauren O’Gilgamesh.

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Xzbit pimped my phone.

j/k. It was me.

Now my BB matches my iPod :)


Some things
are just too perfect not to buy.

Maybe I can get a bodysuit with that print on it too…

Oh god.

I’m totally going to be that moms who dresses her kids in matching outfits when I grow up, aren’t I?


(via awkwardfamilyphotos.com)

Love,

Lauren O’Ledbetter.

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