life
Game of Derps, Jon Snowronto, Rasta Soap and Fiverr
May 15th
FLOWERPOWER (pants by TopShop)
HAPPY SPRING FROM THE GARDEN ON MY LEGS, BITCHES!
Bwahahaha. I don’t normally use such strong language on my blog, but that made me laugh out loud so imma keep it, The B-word is kind of neutral these days anyway, isn’t it? Flowers are not neutral (NOR IS LEOPARD PRINT AND IT NEVER WILL BE MOM.)
But Fiverr, guys. Oh my god, Fiverr.
For all of the years I’ve been using that website to pull really weird $5 pranks on my loved ones (for the price of a latte, it’s SO worth it) HOW HAVE I NEVER DISCOVERED THE RANDOM BUTTON?
Happy mother’s day?
All this time I’ve been creeping Fiverr categories like “extremely bizarre” and “puppets” when I could have been clicking “surprise me!” and finding things like Rasta Soap, foot fetish people stringy things, pudding videos and this dog who will give me freaking a tour of Ho Chi Minh city!
RAH-STA SOOOPE.
If you couldn’t tell, I said that in a really bad Jamaican accent. But of course you could.
Now, onto the very reason for this post: an illustration of Sansa Stark from the Game of Thrones that you can download a JPEG of for right now for only fiiiiive dollars (hollah!)
When the suprise button brought that up for me, I laughed at the randomness of Sansa as a character choice.
If someone were to select any character from the greatest series in the history of television (right now), why would it be SANSA? Crybaby Sansa doesn’t even have a dragon or a direwolf (anymore) or is Margaery!
And then I saw the related gigs.
Oh yes, there are more, and they’re just… delightful 
Truly. I was squealing with delight when I saw them.
Presented without comment (though I reckon you can surmise what I think of these drawings by the title of this post) Drafty Bob’s Game of Thrones fan art!
1. King Joffrey Baratheon (*cough* Lannister)
2. Brienne of Tarth:
3. Tyrion Lannister:
4. A ladymonkey Khaleesi / Danaerys Targaryen:
5. Khal Drogo (RIP):
6. Robb Stark:
7. Cersei Lannister (betch):
8. Lord Littlefinger (jerk):
9. Jaime Lannister, King Slayer (2/10, would not bang.):
10. Derpya Stark:
11. Jorah Mormont
12. Jon Snow:
I left Jon Snow for last because a) It’s just… so good… and b) I have a Jon Snow-related story.
I SAW JON SNOW ON KING ST. THE OTHER NIGHT.
That’s pretty much the entire story, save for how I stopped in the middle of an intersection because I couldn’t believe it and then asked everybody at the streetcar stop if it was actually him.
Nobody knew what I was talking about.
“DON’T YOU WATCH GAME OF THRONES?” I shouted, before promptly Tweeting out “Is Kit Harrington in Toronto right now?”
Turns out, he very much is.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
I’d be remiss not to mention that he bent down to give money to a homeless lady outside of the Tim Horton’s right after we passed, like a true Lord. A Stark/Targaryen Lord, perhaps? JUST SAYING.
Bed time for this kitty — tomorrow I’m hitting the MESH conference thanks to my homies at NextMontreal and I could probably stand a few hours of sleep.
I’ll leave you with this, ACTUAL video I made for mother’s day, because it’s cute. I also sent flowers to her because my mom rules and has been so very patient and helpful throughout the course of this move — as in she pretty much organized my entire place for me. It looks awesome.
Poor Yeezy.
TeleFlowers for Mother Internet
May 10th
Lervlies,
I live by the personal philosophy that any problem one could ever possibly encounter as a human being living in 2013 can be solved using the World Wide Web — and I’ve got one heck of a colourful cache to show for it.
In the past 24 hours alone, I’ve used the internet to make lunch (HI COLLARD GREEN WRAPS), dress myself, show the world that Anna Wintour and Kim Kardashian are total BFF twinsies and diagnose myself with… pretty much every disease ever (just like I do every other day).
Last week, my buddy Evan challenged me to open a magical cuban puzzle box at work and I GOOGLED MY WAY TO SUCCESS with that too (he called it cheating. I called it resourceful.)
For as long as I can remember — or, for at least as long as I’ve had a smartphone — the internet has been answering most of the random questions and solving many of the problems I’ve throw its way.
And Lately, I’ve noticed that the web has started to solve the problems I didn’t even know I had yet — and well.
Regard:
I had been creeping around the member’s benefits section of CAA the other day to see how much of a discount I get on Toronto Symphony Orchestra tickets (20% for the record.)
Later, I was catching up on the goss when ALL OF THE SUDDEN a smart ad appears in the side bar of some fashion website advertising an online flower company called TeleFlora– with a subhead announcing that, as a CAA member, I can get a mad discount on mother’s day flowers.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I WAS A CAA MEMBER, INTERNET?
Oh. Yeah. That stuff.
Whatever. Unlike the NastyGal and Nordstrom ads that follow me around the internet and compelling me to buy clothes I can’t afford, this smart ad was useful — in multiple ways.
a) It reminded me that Mother’s Day is on Sunday (AND NOW YOU KNOW THAT TOO… if you didn’t already.)
b) It provided me with a relevant, personalized discount based on my CAA membership.
c) It informed me (though I should likely already have known this) that I don’t need to use a telephone to order flowers for my mom long-distance anymore. Being that I absolutely hate talking to anyone on the telephone, this type of service is much appreciated. Hej do, 1-800-Flowers, HALLO TELEFLORA.
I’ll most definitely be sending Mama O’Nizzle some flowers this year, along with something else special because she’s worth more than all of the internet flowers in the world combined — plus, I like to get creative (see: last year’s gift.)
But I’d like to send these ones below out to another mother of sorts. She doesn’t give me sunshine, like Mother Nature, or help me organize my entire apartment like Mother O’Nizzle, but she does guide me through life as much as any parent must have guided their 20-somethings in the pre-digital age.
These internet flowers (currently being eaten by a LOLcat, natch) go out to you, Mother Internet.
(This post sponsored by my homies at CAA. Check out all of their wicked member benefits here.)
Rufflesock Blondebot Hologram Feist
Apr 27th
Greetings, lamblettes!
I’m not dead — just reeling with busy. Between my upcoming standup comedy re-debut and packing up my entire life, I’ve not had much leisure time (like, of the non laying on the couch and watching TV / partying with my friends variety.)
An actual bot I am. RT @casiestewart: Blondebot @laurenonizzle. vine.co/v/bP9AneiXv5H”
— Lauren O’Neil (@laurenonizzle) April 26, 2013
I’ve been spending most of my precious computer time in recent weeks writing jokes, revamping scripts, doing research, Tweeting dumb shizz and you know, working at work. So much. Newsy time right now, and those are the best times to be in news.
I’ll get funny on the blogs (/vlogs) again soon, I swear it. Big tings popping
More later. Much to document. Moving sucks. Ruffle socks rule — as does that Topshop dress above that I later learned is also owned by HRH THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE EEEEE!
1993 avec Brodie
P.S. – My homies at Samsung Canada brought a freaking hologram out at their GS4 launch party the other night and THAT is blogworthy — Enough so that I ran up to the front of the stage to Keek it, natch. Nicely done Fiestogram.
Apr 25, 2013 | Holy moly! @SamsungCanada has brought out hologram Fiest!!! #gs4canada by laurenonizzle on Keek.com
Leaving Liberty: New digs, ahoy! + SebastiAn and other things.
Apr 17th
Hey hai happy humpday ladies and gentlekids! Now please, for the love of cripes, chill.
I did not delete my blog (okay, I did, but not on purpose or for very long) I am not lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did (see?) and like, thank you white knights for your “IS EVERYHING OKAY?!” messages but I do not need your *hugz* or “to talk?”
I’ve simply been busy… and perhaps a little bit too forthcoming with the emo-stagrams?
COME ON, IT’S ENDLESS WINTER! You’re depressed too.
In all seriousness though, I’m good.
Work is awesome awesome awesome, my comedy stuff is progressing nicely, and sheet, I’ll be darned if the exhaustion of Lau is not the evolution of Lauren as well.
In fact, I have some exciting (for me) news to share on that front…
BUT FIRST — please enjoy my new favourite (actually, second favourite… actually, third favourite) dance-centric French music video of all time; Embody by SebastiAn:
UNF! Right? Such a sick video.
Also grand? This image I found on Reddit the other day called “1993″ vs “2003″ :
This white-nosed black squirrel I found in a bush on King St. yesterday (!!!) :
This :
Ha!
Annnnnd Anthony Jeselnik, Daniel Tosh (it’s Tuesday) and pretty much everything I Tumbled last night.
My longform blog here may be suffering under the weight of my schedule, but I’m active as ever out there in the weirdo clickyverse. If you want bite-sized funny, hit Clusterfizzle or Twittah.
But I digress.
Here’s what’s up: just over one week ago today, I signed the lease on a brand new pad — My first real grownup apartment. No roomies, no parents, no boyfriend, just me. BOOYAH / Holy f–k.
As cool as that is, it’s scary too. I’m stressed out about moving my stuff again, kind of nervous about being responsible enough to manage my own householdish, and still very much dealing with the circumstances surrounding this move — but I’m also stoked as heck to be in a place where I can finally afford my own apartment in downtown Toronto.
I’d always kind of assumed that as a young journalist I’d have to sell at least 50 3D-printed kidneys on the black market BEFORE I could spend money on things like… lamps and tables for lamps to go on… so this is a big thing for me.
Leaving Liberty Village was a very conscious decision – one that was bittersweet.
I loved this neighbourhood when I first moved into it a few years ago, but the deluge of new condos has made it feel like even less a part of the city than it was before, which is shocking considering how closed off it already is. There’s so little culture here too that the vibe feels almost… suburban.
My building has become choked out by new condos around it, overcrowded with obnoxious yuppies and uh, bye bye awesome view.
Judge for yourself. The rest of Toronto did, and I’m not just being a hipster. Liberty Village has changed — and in this girl’s opinion, not for the better. I will miss my crystal castle, but I’m happy about where I’m headed too (also downtown west.)
You’ll see tons of “LOOK AT MY NEW LAMP” photos once I actually move in a few weeks, but for now I’d like to reflect upon the apartment hunting process itself — because if there’s anything more hilariously frustrating than trying to find a second dancing James Brown doll to lampify, it’s trying to find a nice yet affordable 1 bedroom place to rent in a cool neighbourhood in the heart of Canada’s largest city.
Spoiler alert: I worked really effing hard.
(To be continued…)
Dogs in Pantyhose, Vadering is Stupid and thoughts on JC Superstar
Apr 8th
What up, frands?
Life is straight up crazy for me right now — so much change afoot. Good changes. Strange changes. Stressful changes. EXCITING changes!
I don’t even know where to begin with that stuff, so here’s this instead:
Dogs wearing pantyhose, or Gou Gou Chuan Siwa, is a thing right now on the Chinese Internet (which is the same Internet we’re on, only incomprehensible unless you speak Mandarin or Cantonese — in which case I’m sincerely jealous of you.) :
The photo fad is pretty self-explanatory at a tertiary glance: Dogs + Pantyhose = Dogs wearing pantyhose.
It was initiated by Sina Weibo user Ulatang according to Kotaku via Sharp Daily, and spread like wildfire after people started riffing upon his concept.
Instructions for participation: Put pantyhose on your dog. Maybe some heels, also. Take a picture. Upload it to Weibo. Laugh and laugh and laugh and wait for PETA to go HAM.
You can also try to put pantyhose on your cat, but I don’t recommend doing that. I’m down a nice pair of pantyhose and at least 3 drops of blood.
I do love a good Weibo meme — much more so than a lot of what I’m seeing on the North American viral web lately, which I’ve already betched about at length on here and on Twitter so I won’t go too deep into it.
To quote my own CBCNews piece on the lameness of a trend called “Vadering” that Mashable / Buzzfeed / All of those guys hailed as totally epic and awesome “It would appear as though some people are growing tired of these flash-in-a-pan memes…”
To quote Geekosystem’s Rollin Bishop, who doesn’t need to appear as unbiased as I do:
“At the risk of sounding like Old Man Internet telling all the new folks to get off his lawn, we all should really just agree that Vadering is not actually an Internet meme. At best it’s a sad attempt to seed the beginnings of one, and at worst it’s the scummiest kind of viral marketing. Either way, there’s definitely nothing good going on.”
laaaaaaame
Back to the wonders of Weibo, though.
Sina Weibo, as you may know, is a massively popular microblogging service often described as “Chinese Twitter” even though it’s more of a Twitter / Facebook hybrid according to people who can actually use it.
Like me, a lot Chinese internet memes are weird — at least to North Americans — which is probably why I like them. They’re fresh. Almost freshly weird the Japanese internet — like Japanese things in general. But that’s another book. Maybe I’ll write it from Osaka. A girl can dream… of STUFF LIKE THIS:
I’m not trying to say that a “dogs in pantyhose” photo meme is any more clever or cool than something like the Harlem Shake (which I openly revile, for so many reasons), but it’s definitely weirder. It’s funny, it’s odd, and it kind of makes people uncomfortable, which makes it edgy.
This is what life has come to. Hailing housepets in women’s lingerie as “edgy” on my blog. Be proud, mommy. Now, for the unfinished blog post I started last week whilst home for the rock opera holiday:
“Bonjeezy. I’m watching Jesus Christ Superstar with my parents right now because it’s Easter, and that’s what we do around these parts. That, and eat so much food it hurts.
Being that my mom and dad — who grew up in the 70′s when this film came out and still kind of believe in God stuff (mom, anyway) don’t appreciate my snarky running commentary, scream-sing-alonging and Simon-style zealot dancing, I’ve decided to share some my awesome thoughts with YOU because now even Twitter can’t even handle the amount of characters I’m about to throw down.
A little bit of background: I’ve seen this movie no less than 20 times and the broadway musical twice. I was actually pretty obsessed with in back in Grade 8 when my parents ordered the Soundtrack. I’d play it in my room and sing along while acting scenes out with my teddy bears, which tells you a lot about why I didn’t really fit in at school so well.
THOUGHTS ON JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, 2013 VIEWING.
- Judas is such a hater – like, the biggest hater ever. What does he even do in this film aside from sit in the corner and scowl before scuttling over to bitch at Jesus?
“Ugh, Jesus, I can’t believe you’re hanging out with Mary Magdalene.”
“Wahhh, Jesus you’re letting way too many people into our crew.”
“Jeeeesus, that ointment is expensive. You’re flippant and careless with your money.”
Do you know what my lady mags call people like that, Jeez? TOXIC FRIENDS.
Judas can’t handle your success right now. He’s jealous — and I’ve got half a mind to think that if Mary Magdalene weren’t so gaga for you, he’d have tried to schtoop her for spite.
Instead, he ratted you out to a bunch of murderers.
If only Cosmo had existed in 0 A.D.
- Jesus is an emo kid. If Judas is Regina George, Jesus is Daria.
You know that awesome scene were Simon and all of his cool hippie friends dance for Jesus (in 110 degree heat, by the way — not comfortable) and instead of saying “Wow, thank you guys so much! You didn’t need to do this. Like, wow… seriously. Thanks.” he’s all “NONE OF YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT POWER OR GLORY IS.”
How rude!
If I were Simon I’d have been like “I get it, you’re stressed, but I feel a little bit hurt right now. We choreographed this entire dance and danced REALLY REALLY hard for you just now and all you can do is call us uninformed? Fine, Jesus. Go save Africa then. I’m going home.”
———-
That’s as far as I got in my critique before I got mad distracted by my (now complete!) apartment hunt again.
My Easter break was nice. Always good to get home to see the fams SEE INSTAGRAM FOR MORE PICS BECAUSE I AM LE TIRED AND DON’T FEEL LIKE UPLOADING THEM ALL.
In other news, it’s April Now, which means I’m up on the Movember calendar! Cool!
Also: Did you know that there’s a subreddit devoted to GIFs of chemical reactions?
Wicked.
I’m off to watch Season 3 Episode 2 of GoT. Now matter how many cool things happen in real life, this will always be the highlight of my week
(build your own GoT family insignia here, or find out how you’d die in Westeros over at Vulture.)
Night night. More on the place sitch next time
No duckface, even. Times, as I said, they are a changing.
Has April Fool’s Day jumped the shark?
Apr 3rd
Whereas Shark = Google Nose then yes, but only on the Internet, and only in relation to tech juggernauts and marketing departments.
Be it resolved that the latest casualty in the mainstreamification of internet culture is April Fools Day as we’ve known it since the dawn of time — or at least the late 1980s. I wasn’t fully cognizant before that time, so I can’t really say for sure.
I remember the first grand-scale April Fool’s prank I pulled on my own like it was 15 years ago, because it was.
I was in Grade 6 and, for whatever reason, I decided to trick my friend Kate into thinking that some kid was holed up in her preferred bathroom stall at our elementary school — ALL DAY LONG.
Using a pair of my little brother’s dress pants, some running shoes from the lost & found, the socks off my very own feet and a crump-load of newspaper sheets, I constructed the lower half of what I fooled everybody into thinking was some unfortunate 5th grader who wouldn’t come out of the bathroom.
It worked like a charm to the point that a concerned teacher went in to coax that poor little dear out and of the stall I had to fess up. Kate was livid, the rest of my class was like “High fives, weirdo” and I was all:
‘
Since then, I’ve successfully tricked, trolled and freaked the heck out of more people than I can count. Only a fraction of these pranks actually took place on April the 1st (I just really like pranks – it’s an O’Neil thing, I’m told) but when they DO fall on April Fool’s Day, there’s an added layer of lulziness to it all.
“YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT I DIED MY HAIR BROWN! APRIL FOOL’S! BWHAHAHA”
I’m not going to say that the internet killed the spirit of April Fool’s Day — quite the contrary.
Communities like Reddit and 4Chan and even Yahoo! Answers foster that spirit all year round, going above and beyond to bring us prankspiration for the big day itself.
I wholeheartedly approve of prank idea and knowledge sharing. This is how we grow as a species. Heck, where do you think I got the fake bathroom legs idea from? Metafilter circa 1996, thankyouverymuch.
I’m not going to kvetch about news organizations running fake stories or websites switching around their layouts either, since these things have been going on for decades if not centuries (the former, anyway) and are generally pretty cute.
The BBC’s Swiss Spaghetti harvest of 1957, anybody? You click through to that link for the history of that one if you like — I’m going to post a picture of Mike Tyson’s April Fool’s Tweet from yesterday instead, because I’m a jerk who likes to laugh at people. WE ARE ALL JERKS WHO LIKE TO LAUGH AT PEOPLE… right?
A good April Fool’s Day prank is clever, creative and unexpected. It actually trickspeople — a lot of people — leaving them feeling sheepish, maybe, but laughing in awe.
A good April Fool’s joke doesn’t come out of your marketing budget, and it doesn’t have campaign codes seeded throughout it to track click-through rates. Like, ew. That’s not what this holiday is ABOOT. This is:
Metaphorically.
I can’t be the only one who’s been left with an icky taste in her mouth over the past couple of years come April Fool’s Day.
It’s not that I’m above brands trying to capitalize on holidays — I mean, that’s business — but it irks me that EVERY SINGLE TECH COMPANY does it at once, to the point that news outlets have actually have people people live-blogging April Fool’s Campaigns as they roll out.
April Fool’s Day isn’t Valentine’s Day. It’s supposed to creep up on us and catch us unawares, like Bananas in Pajamas.
I mean, does it even count as an April Fool’s Joke when you send out press releases to let bloggers know about your “prank” ahead of time?
All of Google’s “pranks” made me feel embarrassed for them (does YouTube count as Google? That was the worst one) and I’m not alone.
Let me tell you, it’s not easy to trick your coworkers into believing you’ve legally changed your name to Lauren Targaryen after they’ve already seen Mashable’s roundup of April Fool’s Day pranks so far at 1:10 a.m. on FlipBoard.
But hey, I get it, everybody wants to get in on the buzz because these days EVERYBODY DOES SOMETHING FOR APRIL FOOL’S.
Ride that SEO Wave into the roundup stories, score some of that sweet earned media, make a splash with your bacon-flavoured cat sprinkled HILARITY!
Seriously though, if I didn’t genuinely love cats, the internet would have me HATING EFFING CATS by now Marketers ruin everything. They bear the slimy touch of dork. Don’t let your culture get corrupted, friends (said the blogger, like anyone can prevent that from happening.)
P.S. Sony, DEADMAU5 DID THAT CAT HEADPHONE THING FOR REAL IN AUGUST. For Charity. Gah.
If I sound like a stupid internet hipster / hater, it’s because I actually am lately when it comes to this stuff.It’s insulting to our intelligence. Is the viral web the new boob tube or something? Has the intellect of the average netizen dropped so low that it’s worth the money spent by alllll of these brands to get do stuff like this?
Again with the freaking cats! What happened to you, Vimeo? Twitter? … Barack Obama?
The fake announcement gags worked well for Burger King with their Left Handed Whopper in 1998 and the Taco “Liberty” Bell in 1996 precisely because they were unique and relatively unexpected and a little bit believable. More so than say, anything Google did this year.
Peep this though, from Jose Canseco. Brilly.
Bwahaha.
I’ll conclude by saying this: I adore the spirit of April Fool’s Day at its core, and when companies are truly clever and play the game well (see: Netflix, Soundcloud, Digg) I love them all the more for it.
For those who can’t muster up the cleverness, stay away from the holiday — for your good, and ours. Don’t throw money at it. Don’t get interns to spew out memes and buzzwords at your. Just frig off and leave Internet April Fool’s Day to do what it does best in the marketing space — which is, of course, to serve as a soft launch for new Think Geek products.
I totally want that Eye of Sauron desk lamp.
Love always, Emo O’Nizzle, absentee blogger and insomniac apartment hunter extraordinaire.
P.S. I pranked my parents by hiding potatoes all over the house this year, which is really more of a weird thing to do than a prank, but better than nothing, which is what I have the creative energy for right now. So give a girl some snaps. I laughed my head off as I was hiding potato people in my mom’s car.
P.P.S. I do love you, Google. Thanks for Gmail and stuff. I appreciate u bebe.
Space men, Thug Kitchen, Luck of the Irish…
Mar 20th
*turns around slowly* Oh hello there, friend. I didn’t see you come in… to my blog…
You guys know Bobak, right? Bobak Ferdowsi?
As in the brilliant-hot flight director on the Mars Science Laboratory Curiosity mission / “NASA Mohawk Guy” supermeme I covered (multiple times) at work / boy I told you I was going to marry on this here blog last August? SPACE BIEBER OF SUMMER 2012?!?
I randomly walked into him on Saturday under the St. Party’s Day tents. Talk about luck of the Irish, eh?
I could barely believe my eyes. What are the chances that a) some superfamous NASA rockstar would be chilling out in Toronto on (day before) St. Patrick’s day? b) that I’d run into him and c) that he’d be cool and kind enough to let me talk his ear off about how much I love Curiosity’s adventures, and then take some pictures with me.
I don’t even care that my eyes are pink and my tongue is green. ‘TWAS THE SEASON.
I haven’t fangirled that hard since I met moot, which would probably be weird to you if you knew of all the band guys and actor guys I’d interviewed since then. Not even a humble brag — I just really get excited over smart people. SPASE PEEPOLE.
Thursday’s night’s episode of CBC Live Online was pretty amazing.
Big ups to producer Fabiola Carletti for giving me a chance to speak with retired astronaut Dave Williams, Edward Tabarah of the Canadian Space Agency, and Chris Hadfield’s son / social media manager Evan Hadfield on the day that Canada (okay, a Canadian commander) took control of the ISS!
That experience, combined with rogue fashion week activities, solid hangouts with funny friends, some cool stories at work and… some other stuff… made for a really good week. It’s been a rough month and it’s been nice to get my head up out of that fog a bit. Fingers crossed that the swing keeps ticking up?
*sigh* time will tell.
Here are some more photos from St. Patrick’s weekend if you’re into the Green&Green&Green&Green&Green…
P.S. Thug Kitchen is my new food bible. Peep this healthy shhh:
The hipster shop, being geek chic and “awww, you guys!”
Mar 5th
“You like cats?” asked the slow-speaking Urban Outfitters cashier as he price-checked a holographic iPhone case for me.
“Yeah… but I’ve always been into cats,” I replied. “Like, I liked cats before they were cool. Before they became this big thing on the internet…”
“Yeah man, like the Weeknd…”
Woah.
The sole reason that I’m wearing my too-short bangs under a hat or twisted to the side until they grow out is so that I don’t look like a stupid hipster. I don’t look like a hipster, I don’t dress like a hipster, and I don’t act like a hipster (F*CK BRUNCH. Yeah, I said it.). But dag nabbit if I don’t say things that make me sound like one sometimes.
“I liked cats before they were cool.”
WHO EVEN SAYS THAT? Cleopatra’s grandma?!?
Okay so hi… *blush*
Remember that one time in Grade 4 when a seagull pooped on your head during outdoor gym class and you started bawling and ran into the school humiliated, not because you’d been pooped on (that part was actually pretty funny) but because you’d started wailing like a little baby in front of all your classmates, and so the secretary called your daddy to come and pick you up from school so that you could take a shower and then all of the sudden it’s the next day and you arrived at school in the morning and felt everybody staring at you like ” she stooopittt….”
That’s never happened to me.
I was the girl who peed her pants on the trampoline in gymnastics when she was 8 (true story,) but the seagull thing felt more relevant here — plus it totally happened to a boy in my class so it’s not entirely a fabrication.
What I’m trying to say is “Thank you” and “I’m okay.”
I received a flood of emails and messages in response to my last post, all of them touching and much appreciated. Some of them even made me misty-eyed. The one with the underwear guy made me dry heave (AGAIN) but this is the internt and that’s what you get when you put your email address on your blog alongside photos of yourself trying on skirts at Urban Outfitters.
a) I love that coat on the left but didn’t buy it because like, bills. b) I DID buy the skirt on the right because it’s leather and pleated and crazy cute. I tried on the tee for lulz, but am now reminded of something else I stumbled upon recently.
Cats Rule Everything Around Me
C.R.E.A.M. — Cats rule everything around me. What a creature! Thanks again to Google Images for that gemly gem.
Back to what I was saying though, about the nice comments and things you said… a lot of it was quite useful and helpful. If I haven’t replied to you yet, don’t worry – I saw it, I love it, and I’ll reply soon (unless you’re underwear guy, natch.)
I’m in the planning stages of a redesign now. I hope to get a new, cleaner, more modern layout up by the beginning of April. It might not be perfect, but it will be done. Some new editorial themes and features will likely roll out after that. I don’t want to stop blogging, but like I said before, some things need to change. I love you all for sympathizing and understanding.
My friend Holly passed along this excellent piece on procrastination, perfectionism, achievment and expectations that I think you’ll really like (or at least feel) if my last post resonated with you: Procrastination is not Laziness, by David Cain (who is a FANTASTIC blogger, btw. Canadian too)
All I do is shop shop shop, no mattah what… Oh my ew. I just sang something in the style of DJ Khaled. WHO AM I?
Shopping – not necessarily buying – is therapy for me. It makes me feel good. Pretty things, clothes, gadgets… those things make me happy. American Apparel and Future Shop, I could go for days. Most of those days would be spent laughing at of the funny outfits I can put together at American Apparel
Anyoo, check it oot! I’m “Lady geek of the week” at Being Geek Chic — a self-described “blog for stylish geeks, sophisticated nerds and people who enjoy the musings of a complete dork.” Wicked! My favourite kind of honour
Head on over to BGC for the rest of that interview to see who I cited as my ultimate fictional style inspiration (hint: IT’S TOTALLY SAILOR MOON AND BLAIR WALDORF MIXED TOGETHER LIKE A SWIRL CONE.)
Bed time for this gal. Balance, ya?
P.S. – PLOT THINE PUSS ON THE CAT MAP, MEOW! For the tigers. For the tigers.
LOL sick, L.O. sad: Thoughts, ideas and changes
Mar 3rd
Heads up, hilarity seekers — this is an emo post. If you want something funny, nyaw. If you’re ready for my ruminations, crank one of these here songs I used to cry to back in my skater-shoe days and get on with it. (For the record, at least one of those songs made me cry only because I wanted to schtoop the man who sang it so badly it broke my heart. *cough*)
Dearest readers, homies, and people who just randomly stumbled upon my blog through a Google Images search on the term “mershed perderders” (I see you, what up) — I have some things to say.
I have a lot of things to say, actually. All the time. Every single minute of every. single. day. Even when I’m sleeping.
Is anybody else finding it hard to focus lately?
I’m so overwhelmed by number of the things that I want to do and accomplish and create that I’m becoming paralyzed — unable to start, let alone finish, any personal projects…Sometimes, I feel like I can’t keep up with the person I’ve worked my butt off to become anymore.
I don’t know if it’s the winter blues or an identiy crisis or if I’m just overexerting myself at work, but I worry that after so many years of burning the candle at both ends, I’m actually burning out. Is that even possible at 27?
The digital deluge
I fear (as others do ) that we are a sick society.
Scroll, scroll, internet K-Hole, 90 browser tabs, 85 blog drafts, one grillion thoughts competing for the light but nothing gets out for the traffic jam in my brain. Nothing can.
And so I shop for shoes and surf the junk web, pounding diet ginger ale while sweaters pile up around me and my bed feels colder than my chair ever will.
It’s easier to go down that rabbit hole and read Wikipedia for hours than it is to concentrate on any one thing for more than 20 seconds — including my own blog. Perhaps that’s why I like Twitter and Tumblr so much.
This isn’t a new conversation of course and I’m far from the only one feeling overloaded.
Psychiatrist E.M. Hallowell wrote about the “sustained negative neurological effect of information overload” in the Harvard Business review back in 2005, calling it Attention Deficit Trait, or ADT.
“It isn’t an illness; it’s purely a response to the hyperkinetic environment in which we live….” he wrote. “When a manager is desperately trying to deal with more input than he possibly can, the brain and body get locked into a reverberating circuit while the brain’s frontal lobes lose their sophistication, as if vinegar were added to wine. The result is black-and-white thinking; perspective and shades of gray disappear. People with ADT have difficulty staying organised, setting priorities, and managing time, and they feel a constant low level of panic and guilt.”
And that was before the age of social media — when the internet as a primary mode of communication was still relatively niche. 
For all of the information we’re bombarded with on a secondly basis (and if you work in online news, like I do, it is quite literally a matter of being pelted with information every second) we’re not getting any smarter — or at least healthier — as a species.
Wrote Sarah Houghton-Jan, ever so poignantly in 2008:
“Information flowing in from the multitude of devices, organisations, and technologies distracts, pressures, and stresses us. And yet we continue to produce information for ourselves and for others. Every time we send out information, information returns to us, usually two-fold. We deal with both interruptive and non-interruptive information every day. When constantly interrupted with that information, we never have those periods of time when you can think, plan and ponder. As a result, our ability to push our lives and our institutions forward has been greatly compromised.”
I know. This isn’t the type of rant you read my blog for.
You want funny internet things and cute pictures and, if you’re one of the companies who send things to my mailbox, you want me to write about those things.
But I just don’t have it in me right now, or anymore at all when it comes to the latter.
The future of Lauren Out Loud
This website was never my end game and it was never intended to be. I most certainly never wanted it to become a platform for thinly veiled advertorials that I don’t even get paid for.
When I started getting serious about laurenoutloud.com, it was, at its core, a launching pad for my career — an outlet that I could use to practice and refine my web publishing skills, show off my work, explore my interests and build up an audience as I graduated from university and set off to be a SUPAHJOURNO.
It served that function well – but so did my education, my talent, my professional accomplishments, my hustle, my skills, my wit and other things. I don’t owe my career to my blog, and more importantly, I don’t owe my blog to anyone. Not even myself.
I used to feel guilty on days that I didn’t update my site, like I had to keep up or something… but with who? And at what expense?
The world I live in and what I do in it has changed so much in three years.
I’m not a university student or relatively friendless new-to-Toronto copywriter who spends her every Friday and Saturday night editing videos about shopping trips and events and concerts anymore.
Man was that stuff ever fun though I would like to start vlogging again. I’m just… so… BUSY!
I’ve got a lot more going on now, socially, (which is a good thing!) and more importany, I work full time, every day, writing (and talking into a camera) about web culture, current events and buzzworthy world happenings — the kind of things I used to love blogging about here.
I adore what I do, but think about it — if you were a professional pizza eater, would you really want to come home and eat pizza for dinner too? (That’s a bad analogy. Pizza is awesome and I could eat it for EVERY MEAL OF LIFE. You know what I’m saying.)
I look back on my posts from three years ago, when I was just finishing up school and moving to Toronto, and I see so much passion and creativity and promise and life. I’m proud of that girl and who she was – but she’s gone now. I see that in my posts over the last 6 months. They’re funny at times, but the raw joy is gone. I’m jaded.
I don’t feel guilty about skipping my blog to hang out with friends or stay late at work anymore, and I don’t really miss staying up until 4 in the morning on a Sunday night to write about which branded parties I hit over the weekend.
Sure, I could slap up a weak 2 paragraph post and some photos in 30 minutes, but that isn’t what I do or who I am.
My posts are long and they take time. My readers and my reputation deserve no less. As much as I appreciate getting invited to events, and will ALWAYS blog about the BEST of them, I’m not about to change who I am — or more importantly, cause anyone who matters to question my journalistic integrity — to satisfy some PR company for two drink tickets and a photobooth.
This has nothing to do with anything but it's great.
So how am I changing things?
I’m not yet sure. I want to start blogging more regularly — whether that be shorter, more creative posts several times a week, one long essay every sunday, daily 30-second-long video rants, I’ve yet to decide. But in order for anything good to happen, I need to feel passionate about this blog again.
Some ideas:
- A blog redesign: this is number one on my list of priorities. Just trying to find a decent quote (or chunk of time to source art, make art, figure out how to code it myself.)
- Update my portfolio and demo reel: In a BIG way. They’ve been pretty much dormant since 2011.
- Get a new space to blog: It’s hard to sit down and work here, where I’m living now. I’ve noticed a lot has changed in terms of my productivity since I moved into this cushy loft. Zero privacy, lots of noise. Fortunately, I’m moving out of Liberty Village in May and getting my own little pad – surprise!
- More longform original storytelling: My blog is the space that allows me to tell stories I can’t in a traditional news setting. Stuff like this.
- Try some more short posts: anecdotes, jokes, videos, ONE hilarious outfit instead of 3. Not everything of value has to be looooong. See: Neatorama.
- Enlist contributors: This is an iffy one for me. I’d need to redesign something fierce if I ever go magazine-style, but someone to cover these events I don’t have time to hit would be cool. Hollah if you want some candy.
- Monetize: A big part of the redesign. I’ve always said I’d never have advertisements, but really… I do have them. They’re simply not overt. It’s time to ditch the campaigns (when the ones I’m working on currently wrap) and get on with selling ad space. I’ll work harder if I’m both interested in what I’m writing AND making more money.
- Start vlogging again: I really like to do it. When I move into my new place, this will be easier.
- Stoke my creativity offline: This is a big one. I’m losing interest in a lot of what once entertained me and need to delve into something real. More comedy classes? Travel? Dance lessons? A side job bartending this summer? We’ll see
- Real stories: More funny stories from my own life, less aggregating funny photos from around the web (but you know I’ll still do that too. It’s part of who I am.)
I don’t know if I should publish this, or even why I’m writing it, but I don’t want any of you to go away. Don’t stop reading or inviting me to your parties or taking my picture or asking me to review cool gadgets – I won’t say no to something I enjoy, like meeting new people and doing fun things.
Just understand that my blog is not my job. My job is my job, and my free time… well, I’d like to claim some of that back to make new friends, do some freelance writing, even start on that book I keep meaning to start on. GAH.
I read something in a magazine at the gym yesterday that kind of hit home.
“Done is better than perfect.” — Lauren O’Neil (@laurenonizzle) March 1, 2013
Easier said than done for the type A clique, but sheeeeet. I’ve got to break free of this deadlock and move. Emo isn’t cute at 27. It’s sad. Hot dang do I ever need the summertime back.
In my next post, I’m going to clear out some of that aforementioned draft backlog and tell you what I think about some things that don’t have to do with me me me me me me me me ME ME ME MY FACE LOOK:
I was getting my hurr did.
I’d love to hear what you guys have to say and think about this post… if you’ve read this far, surely you have some insight? Hit me up in the comments or by email (laurenoneil at gmail dot com) if you’ve got time. I could use the cheer and guidance
Now, to send you off on a happy note, this is my favourite video of the week by far:
Love always,
Love, Style, Nick Kroll and Cherry Noir…
Feb 17th
Seany Dubs, you are one heck of a sport.
Photo by Barbora Simek for Elle Canada
Excuse the weird hair. I was… trying something.
The above photo was taken for Elle Canada last week during a party celebrating the launch of Grey Goose’s new flavoured vodka, Cherry Noir (that stuff is dangerously good, for the record.)
Image via Pulp & Fibre's The Thread
Barbora was searching the Thompson for Stylish couples to feature, and being that I’m a major Elle fangirl (and compulsive attention-seeker) when she asked me if we’d be down I didn’t even hesitate to say “Yes, of course!” to her and “WE ARE TOTALLY DOING THIS YOU HAVE NO CHOICE” to Sean.
He really didn’t have a choice (do boys ever in matters such as these?), nor did he quite understand what was going on (again – do boys ever in matters such as these?)… until the next week when the resulting image and blurb popped up in the FlipBoard accounts of half the people in his office.
Love you?
Walshie could teach a course in plus-one-ing, I swear. The best I ever had.
We had a pretty low-key Valentime’s day this year, just as we wanted it (minus the working late); Dinner at Fresh, flowers and chocolate, funny teevee, snuggles… I also wore EARRINGS.
This is rare, but I bought some little red hearts when I was 13 that I never ended up tossing out. Thus:
Earlier that day, I got to chat with some online dating website CEOs in a special Valentine’s Day episode of CBC News Live Online.
Jerry of FarmersOnly.com (Which is a real, super successful dating service for, well, farmers only) made my day with some of his comments. You can take the girl out of Chatham…
I also wrote about some particularly fun things this week: A Tamagotchi App (!!!), Thirsty Marco Rubio, Internet feminists vs. trolls, Lighting striking the Vatican hours after The Pope’s big announcement, Pluto, a disabled goldfish’s wheelchair (!!!) EX-CETERA.
And while I’m spontaneously rambling on about my week, I crushed some madddd errands too.
It’s kind of nice to walk around the city in the morning, getting things did. I snapped this photo on my way back to west-downtown after hitting St. Lawrence Market.
A whole newwww worrrrrrrlllllld.
OH! And Nick Kroll tweeted back to me yesterday. Like, actually. !
@nickkroll will you go to the poutine dance with this hoser?
— Lauren O’Neil (@laurenonizzle) February 16, 2013
@laurenonizzle I’ll have to see if @anjulie will let me go w/ someone else.
— nick kroll (@nickkroll) February 16, 2013
I die.
You should probably watch this to make sense of that… and also because it’s hilarious. One of the funniest things I’ve seen in a very long time, actually. Not sure if it’s because I’m Canadian or not.
Lastly, please enjoy the RIGHTEOUS (and semi-deserved) mean mug I’m getting in the background of this shot. Too good:
Homie’s throwing me mad shade for that silly duckface in my mind, and I can’t say that I blame him. Few things I love more than funny background people in any photo, let alone the ones I’m in!
For more on the Grey Goose Cherry Noir After Dark party at the Thompson (it was a solid one, for real – we got GEMS!) I recommend checking out SheDoesTheCity’s report as per yooje. Uje?
Night night.
