LOL Adventures
Roast beef sandwich man
Jul 9th
There’s a wily-haired man with glasses who sells things at the corner of King and Strachan. Strange things. Usually, they are edible things.
I am fascinated by this man, and in the past 6 months have grown to… kind of become friends with him. We chat regularly, but he never remembers who I am or that we’ve met. It’s all good. He’s hilar.
I call him Roast Beef Sandwich Man because the first time I encountered him, he tried to sell me a roast beef sandwich at the gas station.
“Wanna buy a roast beef sandwich?” he shouted at me as he skittered up to me at the pump. “It’s real good. Real good roast beef.”
“No thanks…” I said, a little bit freaked out and annoyed by the stranger who’d just approached me in the wild. People don’t do that in Toronto. They just don’t.
“You like roast beef? Come on… it’s roast beef!”
“NO!” I told him. “I don’t like roast beef and I don’t want that sandwich!”
“Okay, bye bye!”
And just like that, he was on to the next pump. The next prospective sale. Completely unfazed.
I see him all the time now on my way to and from work.
He’s sketch as all heck, but reasonably friendly and always entertaining. It’s great fun to spot RBSM and see what he’s got up for sale at the time, because it’s always different and usually something strange.
The last time I encountered RBSM, he was peddling a package of weiners outside Shopper’s Drug Mart.
“Excuse me ma’am,” he drawled in an accent I still can’t pin down. “Wannah buy shum weinuhz?”
Of course not.
Another time, RBSM was offloading a box of chocolate milk. One that had already been opened.
A few weeks ago he was trying to sell a McChicken sandwich outside of the Palace Arms, and I had seen him try to pay for a streetcar ride with McPop earlier that day.
RBSM is a homeless dude, obviously.
I see him coming in and out of the big pink shelter on my bike ride to work sometimes and I feel like he might be addicted to something he can’t afford, based on the amount of scratching and meat pimping he does… but I can’t be certain and I certainly can’t judge.
We’re all addicted to something, aren’t we?
Anyhoo, I walked home from work today and it was a long and warm and delightfully eventful walk. Plus, a hair stylist at work had given me a cool braid and everybody was all “NICE HAIR” so I felt pretty fly, too 
I was in a great mood by the time I got to King & Strachan, but thirstier than this sentence for a clever metaphor. So I bought some coconut water at the Shopppers at King & Strachan and sat down on a ledge outside to drink it.
Lo and behold, Roast Beef Sandwich Man pops up out of nowhere with a can of tuna.
“Excuse me dear, wanna buy a canna tuna?”
“No… I’m good. Sorry man. I don’t need tuna.” (I really don’t!)
“Okay… got a cigarette?”
“Sorry – I don’t smoke.”
“Got some money”
“Well.. yeah, I have a few bucks. Can I take your picture?”
“Sure, okay! Want me to sing you a song? I’ll sing you a song,”
Before I could even answer, he started singing something I didn’t know. Not much of a tune or melody but the words “song” and “sing” were in it, I can tell you that.
I took the photos in this post during RBSM’s performance and gave him a fiver for the pleasure. I figured it was worth it to prove to my friends that there is, in fact, a Roast Beef Sandwich Man and that he’s not a figment of my (admittedly overactive) imagination.
I’m not trying to appear uppity or angelic or make a statements about anything at all with this post. I just find this RBSM to be a cool character — one of many, many cool characters in my life.
I should start writing more about the people I know. I’m almost so overwhelmed with stuff to write about my own life that I don’t even know where to start… or if I want to.
Things are great — I’m getting everything I’ve ever wanted right now — but at what point does blogging turn into bragging? And at what point does bragging just get… so annoying?
Screw it. One brag:
Sorry Selena. The boy is mine #BelieberForever
Regularly scheduled LOLing and selfies will return tomorrow. You know I can’t stop. We’re all addicted to something…
After party rock and Perez Hilton’s pink carpet: The 2012 MMVAs Part II
Jun 21st
If the MuchMusic Video Awards have taught me anything in the recent years, it’s that Canadian celebrities are fond of quirky rides. Few other award shows actually let people DRIVE onto the red carpet as far as I know — and I really don’t, so please correct me if Meryl Streep rolled up to the Oscars on an IT machine one time or something.
LOL at the MMVAs 2012, PART I: Dress shopping, lounge hopping, party rocking
Jun 18th
Every year for one weekend in June, the city of Toronto goes pop-wacky for the MuchMusic Video Awards. Being a Torontonian – even one over the age of 17 — I tend to go a little bit wacky for it too.
Mother’s day 2012: Annette O’Neil Roo-layz!
May 13th
V-v-v-video blogggg:
I don’t like to do generic presents. Never have. Flowers may be pretty, but they aren’t exactly memorable — unless they come in a pot with your FACE on it.
image via GOOD.kz
But I didn’t get my mom a face-pot for mother’s day this year. Nope. I didn’t have the time to make one, and even if I did I wouldn’t have been able to give it to her on time because I wasn’t able to make it home for mother’s day this year 
So, instead of shelling out for FedEx to speed-deliver some quirky slapped-together scrapbook thing, I did what any busy young urbante who grew up in a capitalist system would: I outsourced my mother’s day present (SEE VIDEO BLOG ABOVE.)
Cue flak. *sigh*
I also posted a tribute to my mommy here, and it goes a little something like this:
My mother is a hero in every sense of the word.
As an Emergency room RN, she saves lives every day.
As a laundry wizard, she manages to make food stains that not even a dry cleaner will touch just… vanish.
As a chef, she whips together meals inspired by things she’s tasted in restaurants — SANS RECIPE — and then does it all over again vegetarian styles, for me.
As a wife, she’s been able to keep my dad from eating hot dogs for breakfast (most of the time) for 27 years.
As a mother, she got my brother and I through elementary school, high school, university and grad school with her unconditional support, love and care packages (I really appreciated the fabric softener and and paper towels. As much as I seemed to favour the chocolate almonds, the little things meant a lot.)
If you weren’t BRILLIANT enough to hire people half way around the world to dance for your mother thi year, and are still struggling for a gift, show her the video below and just pretend you made it or something. You’ve got 20 minutes left to pull this together, kid. GO!
Love always, the chick who just found this incredible gif on a random message board that hasn’t been active since 2004:
LOL @ ROFLcon III: Photoblog One
May 5th
What up, Bromies?
I be coming at you live from MIT today, like some sort of brilliant genius who invents solar powered trash compactors over breakfast. Which is a pistachio muffin dipped in black coffee, obvs.
I can’t get enough of this place or this conference. It breaks my heart to know that it’s almost over, but we’ve gotten so much accomplished in the past 24 hours that it’s nearly unbelievable — especially considering the fact that I spent all of last night getting sick in my hotel room.
I’m done with car travel, by the way. Never again.
I’m still sick, but there is no way in aich-ee-double hockey sticks that I’d miss ROFLcon.
I had too many interviews lined up! Too many people to meet! Too many thoughts from smarter minds than mine to collect and push out into the Twittersphere!
“Create more value than you capture.” @moot quoting @timoreilly #ROFLcon || I reallllly like this. It should be the goal for content & life.
— Leslie Bradshaw (@LeslieBradshaw) May 5, 2012
So here I am. Gravol and Motrin keeping this train on the tracks (ish). I can’t wait to watch my interviews back… I have a feeling they might be kind of wonky – but really, when you’re interviewing this guy how can they be anything but?
I also talked to Chuck Testa, Antoine Dodson, Scumbag Steve, Double Rainbow guy, Liam Kyle Sullivan, Tron Guy, Chris Torres (Nyan Cat’s creator) and some other colourful characters.
I’ll be rolling out the interviews this week once I get a few minutes to edit them. For now though, please enjoy these iPhone ROFLPICS!
We’re about to head into the very last panel of the day, “Defending the Internet.”
It’s going to be brilliant. I already know it. And my boycrush Alexis Ohanian is on it so…
CBC @ ROFLcon: Interviewing the internet
May 3rd
This weekend, the viral web will come together in meatspace for ROFLcon 3: The world’s first (and best) internet culture conference.
Scumbag Steve will be there. Antoine Dodson will be there. Chuck Testa, Kelly, and Nyan cat(‘s creator) will be there. Y’all know how much I love Nyan cat, right?
And, just like a pesky pink NastyGal banner ad I’ll be there too chasing around the Internet people with my microphone.
Thazzright, I’m shipping driving up to Boston Cambridge (again.)
You can find my coverage from ROLFcon 2 here, here, here and here. Please ignore the gratuitous amountof extinct words like “epic” and “awesomesauce” *shudder*. It was 2010. Give me a break.
As dope as 2010 was, I’m thinking that this year will be even better. Not only will I be hosting a live chat for work tomorrow afternoon (4 p.m., BE THERE) I’ve lined up interviews with so many good people for the LOLvlog and Ceebeecee. Send me your questions! Please!
Who’d have thunk I’d ever give Scumbag Steve my phone number?
I hope he brings his hat. I hope I don’t get starstruck. Last year, I did pretty well in that department… until I met moot. Why do I even care? Why am I so attracted to this dude?
I was so nervous, and I never get nervous.
Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up a really noice dress for the fashiony thing tonight. Please join me tomorrow for a CBC Community live chat about internet culture at 4 p.m. EST. and check back here for my interviews as I post them. It’ll be like an Internet’s greatest hits compilation… in real life. Like this:
That piece is from a guy called Joebot‘s art show devoted entire to memes. It’s taking place on Friday at Gallery 1988 in Los Angeles, so if you can’t make it to ROFLcon get thee to LaLa land… or at the very list, pour yourself a glass of milk and hang out with Reddit for a few hours.
Nothing finer on a Saturday night.
I’m sorry for offending you. Here, have a chair.
*looks around*
Scumbag Lauren gives you an ironic chair. Steals it (and your money).
Market mischief: Clean up in aisle boo-hoo-hoo…
Apr 11th
This is what happens when you go grocery shopping after a very long day on very little sleep and are also a weirdo:
Hehehe…
Want to do this yourself? Here’s the Metro pranker’s step-by-step guide:
1. Take paperback romance novel from book and magazine section (it’s near the pre-made sushi, sort of…)
2. Embed said novel among cat foods of choice.
3. Stand back and proceed to laugh hysterically — way harder than any normal human being would dare to laugh under the circumstances. Laugh until your eyes water and you can barely breathe. Pay no attention to perplexed / horrified onlookers.
4. This:
BWHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, come ON. Cat people have a sense of humour too! Romantic novel readers, I’m not so sure… but it’s all in good fun right? It’s not like I did this:
Yet.
Thank you, Mr. Blythe.
In all seriousness, I’m feeling a little bit unfulfilled right now. In life.
I’ve got to start doing more of the things that make me feel hyper and happy and good about myself. My friends and family say I’m happiest where there is humour or a microphone involved, so I’ve resolved (again) to do more comedy. Standup, sketch, streeters, Youtube rants — anything. Performing gets me high like nothing else.
Not like that though.
At one time, writing was where I found my flow, but that was long before words became the means to my most basic ends. My “breadwinning skill”. Surely, it was pre post-grad. Highschool. I fancied myself quite the poet.
Music and Dance are also up there on my list of “things to get back into”. Don’t even get me started on the list of things I’d like to try (Circus workouts, After Effects, urban exploration, trapeze, rock climbing, sewing, screen printing, dog walking) — though, how could you get me started, really? I’m writing at a screen. Noooobody hoooome!
2008ish when I still had time to dance and make muscles
*sigh* this unrelenting need to DO and BE MORE is likely the root of my unhappiness. But what’s the root of that? Whatever. One day at a time. Step by step.
Step by step, day by day, a fresh start over, a different hand will play… shikka me shaaa ka shikka me shaaaay… We’ll make it bettah, the second time around…
Take a second to actually watch and judge that video in its entirety. Doubleyoo Tee Eff, right? Like, I’m assuming the fat woman with the cotton candy is a wise-cracking cafeteria worker or neighbour or something (I don’t really remember who she played because, regrettably, I haven’t watched Step By Step for at least 12 years) so why the heck is she at the amusement park with the principal cast members on the very day Suzanne Somers and Patrick Duffy meet and instantly decide to live happily ever after together? If I’m wrong and she’s actually another step sister or something, well… sommmebody got lucky with a chubby-chasing casting director, AMIRITE?
I wonder if there are any casting directors out there who like skinny blondes chicks. HOLLAH. I want to meet Patrick Duffy. Here’s my demo reel:
Bon nuit.
SXSWag, O’Kanye Zone and the Long Road Home…
Mar 17th
MORNING, Bro’mies!
I just finished unpacking my South by Southwest swag bags (which were comprised mostly of delicious little hot sauce packets I stole from food trucks) and had to take a minute to floss these gogs on my blog, ’cause they make me look dammmmmn smart (or something):
I nabbed 5 pairs from Nokia’s Lab near my hotel. Free Stuff Safety first. Always.
ALWAYS.
The people of Austin are a friendly bunch. Those balling conference / party / lounge / taco sponsors were pretty friendly too with all of dem dere open bar tabs.
Look at how well Slacktory Editor Nick Douglas made out on only $10 a day!
I spent about 100 dollars per day myself, but most of that was on hot dogs for the homeless people I mistakenly thought to be wireless hotspots… who could be paid in hot dogs.
by lulinternet
I met Nick after a panel last week (as in, I ran up to him, said hi, and ran away again like the nervous dork I become when interacting with people I perceive to be cooler than me), and that video above was produced by Camlin Productions — a production company co-founded by Matt, who filmed the stuff I did in Cannes last May. SMALL INTERNET!
Everybody good lives in New York, eh? Except for Kanye. Or maybe he does now, for to be closer to Blue Ivy and his Illuminati brethren?
Either way, this kid is totally illoomzed out and Kanye West rules eternal. Duh.
Happy St. Paddy’s day, by the way!
‘Tis a low-key one for this lass, I’m afraid. Still recovering from my adventures in Austin and, more crushingly, that 35 hour-long commute back to Canada.
Rocket Fuel
I’ll be regaling you with tales of the former all week long, so lets start with the latter while it’s fresh in my head / on my sweater.
Warning: this isn’t going to be pretty (But it’s kind of hilar. So deal.)
Spotted in Arkansas: El Chupacabra
Yesterday at this time, I was getting violently ill all over a parking lot in Kentucky as I ran towards the McDonalds bathroom.
“Excuse me, Where is your washroom please?”
“Next to the window, but there’s a guy fixing the hand dryer in there right now…”
“I don’t care,” I shouted, running to the door, “I’m going to…”
Too late.
The service man took one look at what was coming out of my face (nothing but a steady drizzle of bile and pepto bismol at that point) and peaced.
ewwwww
Minutes later, Casie tried to come in and check on me.
“There’s a girl in there puking,” said the visibly annoyed worker. “She’s either pregnant or on Heroin.”
Are those the only reasons for a woman to vomit in Kentucky? I don’t want to sound insensitive here, but maybe they don’t get car sick in Kentucky… or maybe I just look like a pregnant junkie.
Neither was the case — I was just car sick.
You see, at this point we’d already been travelling for nearly 24 hours.
Some of those hours were spent sleeping in a Starbucks parking lot, many were spent happily reminiscing as we drove through the sunny state of Texas, and at least one of those hours was spent running around an Atkanas highway…
The majority, however, were spent driving through Amurrica, jamming to good music and learning tons about our neighbours to the far south.
Billboard on left side of the highway: “HELL IS REAL.”Billboard on right side of the highway: “ADULT BOOK AND VIDEO SUPERSTORE”#Kentucky
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 16, 2012
Hop on the bus, Gus — we don’t need to discuss much… #PaulSimon
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 16, 2012
No less creepy on the way home.
So, how many grams of baby do I get per package?instagr.am/p/INMV7BDaOn/
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 15, 2012
“Let’s just get out of the car and travel around like real Arkansasians — ride some raccoons through the forest like rollerskates!” – Me
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 15, 2012
“I don’t know ‘Horse Cave’ conjures in your ‘, but I see a cave filled with horses. And that is awesome.” 4sq.com/xTYjMg
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 16, 2012
I kind of neglected to remember (or, as a good writer would say, “forgot”) that driving in cars for prolonged periods of time is a bad look for me. Even in the Ford Focus, which is legit one of the smoothest cars I’ve ever ridden in, 26 hours of motion was just too much for my weak stomach.
Puking ‘cross the USA. In need of a Dramamine McMuffin. Sweet Jesus of Amurrica, help a homegirl out. 26 hour drives are HARD.
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 16, 2012
Fortunately, Casie was cool enough to help me locate some American Gravol, real food and emergency bags. It wasn’t long before we made it back to our home and native land, nausea-free and sitting pretty.
Total time it took to cross the border = Approximately 2 minutes.
I’m home now and, while I would have loved to stay for more of the music festival, I’m bloody happy to be here in my own living room with nothing to do but chill today (let me pretend that laundry doesn’t exist for a minute, k?).
Thanks again to Ford for letting us borrow this amazing whip – she truly was a pleasure to drive.
Waka Flocka keeping me awake as we roll into Toronto. Thank goodness for satellite radio. This car is a dream. (cc @FordCanada) #FocusRules
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 16, 2012
Handles beautifully, great on gas, and very very smart with all of those iPhone syncing, dope Sirius satellite radio playing, voice-activated SYNC command center features.
Thanks also to the universe for delivering us back home in one piece. This road trip wasn’t easy, but what of great value ever is?
We fooking did it, guys. We drove to TEXAS and BACK despite all of the “You’re probably going to die”s and “Maybe you should just fly”s!
Victory = Blondetourage. SX3B did not end in death, dismemberment, or even a bloody roadside cat fight.
Dec 31, 1969 | Source: Keek.com
SXSW Continued + Pi Day 2012
Mar 15th
Blogggggg, is it weird that I miss you?
I’ve been so incredibly busy here in Austin that I’ve barely had time to text message my own motha, let alone write something substantial that I can be proud of — and y’all know I only post things to my blog that I can be proud of…
My goal of making a video for every day of SXSW was valiantly obliterated on day 3 of this trip, when I finally healed up enough to dive into the swing of things.
I just had to pull out my iPhone to convince four Texans that @Drake was never, in fact, wheelchair bound. #Degrassi
— Lauren O’Nizzle (@laurenonizzle) March 14, 2012
To paraphrase Jesse Spanno, “THERE’S NO TIME! NO TIME, ZACH! NO TIME! Wahhhhhhhhhhhh”
Kate had the right idea. Don't take the bracelets off until the very end. Arm party!
Sure, I could probably have spent more time writing and editing videos during this trip, but hey – I’m on VACATION.
Truly, I am.
I’ve got hours of video footage from SXSW on my camera and will definitely do something with it when I return home, but it’s been nice over the past week to just kind of take it all in.
Video: @RichAucoin at #SXSW. It just hit me now that he does the @Picnicface theme song.
Mar 14, 2012 | Source: Keek.com
The music portion of SXSW has been intensely fun — and I’m not just using that adjective because it sounds nice.
Imagine taking an entire year’s worth of concerts / smiles from cute boys and compressing it down into one hour. Multiply that by 24, every day. Intense.
The interactive conference, however, is where the heart of this trip lies.
I hit so many educational / career-related panels, but a lot of random eye opening sessions too.
>
I was actually pretty blown away by some of the cool / funny / freaky things I saw. Creeped out, too.
Bina48 the robot panelist on dreaming. #sxsw #ai
Mar 12, 2012 | Source: Keek.com
When I get home, I’m going to break down my favourite bands and sessions – Misuse the Internet and Make People Love You will be up there as far as panels go — and as for bands, sheet… I really have to think about that. There were so many great ones.
My street style shots (yeah, I did that) and “what I wore” roundups are also on the way. I’m actually looking forward to writing those ones.
I snapped BOKILLIONS of fly young folks and even had my photo taken a few times back!
More on that later though…. I’ve got a 26 hour drive popping off in 2 hours and should probably sleep a bit ehhhhhh?
Happy Pi Day
I'll sell you my pumpkin pi for $3.14
Video Blog: Riding the Trash Hill
Feb 28th
Ah, vacay… no work, no school, no stress. Just rest.
YOLO!
