Cakeup confusion and Amanda Bynes: super troll (maybe.)

Before: fresh out the showah. After: 1 hour later

Makeup, man.

I’ve been thinking about the goop girls (and boys who work in TV) cake onto their faces a little bit lately… How much I love it, how much I hate it, how different it makes us all look and feel…

My vice is eyeliner.

Thick, black, 15-year-old emo kid cum AVIRL LAVIGNE IMPERSONATOR style eyeliner with wings so heavy I can sometimes pass for something other than plain-white-girl in a very dark room when you’re drunk and have lost your prescription eyeglasses.

That dang cakeup, though — foundation, I suppose — I do not like. Not. one. bit.

I have been vocal about this hatred my entire life, every since they started slathering it all over my face for plays and dance recitals. “IT’S ITCHY! I’M GETTING IT ON MY SHIRT! I WANT TO TAKE IT OFF!”

I don’t know if it’s the products I’ve tried, the way my skin looks with goo on it, or the fact that I associate heavy makeup with work (and work with being a grownup), but I feel like it makes me look older (save for that special HD stuff they use at the ceeb. Holy crap is that some magical goo.)

I feel it makes a lot of people look older, or just plain worse – which is what got me onto this topic and inspired me to do a few before and after Photo Boothshots (see above.)

AMANDA, WHAT IS UP? YOU WERE SO PRETTY BEFORE YOU STARTED LOCKING YOURSELF INTO PUBLIC BATHROOMS TO DO YOUR MAKEUP FOR HOURS AT A TIME!!!

Admittedly, the second picture is about 4 years old and Miss Bynes has clearly been doing quite a bit of partying since that time… or has she?

J’ai un prédiction:

Amanda Bynes is not the Lohan-esque porschewreck she’s been making herself out to be in recent ~~months~~ years — she’s actually trolling us all like Joaquin Phoenix did, with some hardcore docuparody project (TBA?)

The hit and runs, The DUIs, The pap scuffles, pleading presidential tweets, spin-class wonkery, 2-hour dressing room lockdowns and… whatever the heck that business was with the bathroom cupcake: All of it, a long-running ruse!!!

Haven’t you seen She’s the Man 400 times? Amanda Bynes is funny. Talented. A really good actress!

The world has known this since 1996 when she served as Nickelodeon’s golden girl, goofing her way into our hearts with All That and then, later, The Amanda Show.

Our childhood hero is NOT on her way to shaved-head-Britneydom – she’s simply poking fun at our societal obsession with celebrities behaving badly… I hope.

If not, she could be also be a deeply troubled young person suffering from former-child-star-itis OR maybe she’s acting out in order to get some of those coveted “Lindsay Lohan roles” (?)

Whatever the case, I hope to see Amanda Bynes wiping some of that cake off her face real soon — unless it’s of the cup variety. Cupcake on the face is fine if you can reach it with your tongue to lick it off later.

Anyhoo, here’s a makeup job I DO like quite a bit, found on page 5 of a Google Images search for “too much makeup” (the first four pages were basically a Kardashian family photo album.)