Posts tagged funny
The Fine Brothers: Spoiling novels, stealing hearts
Sep 7th
Crush of the day = these boys. Nerd is teh hot. You know this.
Regard: Four minutes. 50 book spoilers. One of the most educational lunch breaks you’ll ever have:
Symbolism people, SYMBOLISM.
Now I don’t even need to read those Twilight books everybody’s been raving about.
The next time I see a group of 15-year-old girls at the mall I’m going to run right up to them and scream “OMG WASN’T IT AWESOME WHEN EDWARD CUT THAT BABY OUT OF BELLA’S STOMACH?!”
And then we’ll gab and bond until security comes to take me away, at which point the terrified youngsters will breathe a sigh of relief and dial up their mommies to let them know that the crazy lady has been apprehended…
Ahhh daydreams.
<3L
Breakfast Bloggage: Dell’s party and the giggly little camel
Sep 3rd
Kix and keyboards, Wheaties and Wordpress, Corn pops and coding – Is there any finer a combination than cereal and computers?
If you look at my be-crumbed workspace , you will see that I think NOT.
Another fine combo? Tunes and Toys (in so many ways).
Music and technology go together like peanut butter and jelly. Like movies and popcorn. Like Lauren O’Neil and literary triptychs.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Dell brought Down with Webster on board to perform for fans at their sick “Ultimate End of Summer Party“.
Last night, it all went down without a hitch.
I was lucky enough to score a VIP pass to the party (Did I mention that I love Dell lately? ‘Cause I do.) but unfortunately, I got caught up at work in the busy city and couldn’t make it to St. Cats in time for the band’s performance.
Woe is me 
I’m so woe.
Fortunately, my homegirl sent me some pics of all the contest winners rocking out so I didn’t feel completely disconnected.
I was bummed that I couldn’t be there, but I’ve got to admit that even just seeing pictures of the fans going wild made me smile.
There’s something so purely positive about fandom in general. Whether it’s sports, music, comedy, gadgets – whenever I see people getting fanatical I feel a little bit fanatical too.
Then again, I’m a bit of a fangirl by nature. My head explodes on the daily.
Last night I absolutely lost my marbles over this font and, I don’t know if you can really be a bona fide fan of laughing camels, but I’ve been LOLing over this all morning.
I may even compulsively scour the internet for advice on how to buy a camel in Canada today. Maybe.
Our love is like water, ticklish camel.
I’ve got to go blowdry my hair and get to work now. Tonight I’m getting it CHOPPED! (my hair, not my work.)
I still have no idea what I’m going to do with it. Hopefully the stylists at this trendy salon everybody’s been telling me to hit up will be able to help out with that.
I’m leaning towards a long bob, like the 2008 Nicole Richie cut I’ve been loving on for years:
But I also like the sort of messy platinum look Gwen’s been rocking lately, since it’s pretty much exactly what I have right now (complete with the long uneven bangs) except shorter.
What do y’all think?
<3 L
8 bit wedding invitations – A 1990s acid trip love story
Aug 23rd
When 1996 Leonardo DiCaprio and I get married, this is what our wedding invitations will look like:
We will film the honeymoon coitus for web distribution, and it will look something like this (minus Bowser):
*shakes head* Rule 34…
The money we earn from said proh-no-graphic masterpiece will be spent to commission an MK style battle royale between Teddy Ruxpin and Champ Bear.
We will bet everything on Ruxpin, rig the fight, and clean house in our illegal “talking cartoon teddy bear death match” gambling ring.
T-Pain will be infuriated by how much he has to pay us and release an auto-tuned self-recording of “the song that doesn’t end” from Lamp Chop’s play along out of spite.
Leo and I will distract ourselves paying washed up celebrities to commit random acts of mischief and murder.
We’ll get 1991 Dustin Diamond to shoot up Bayside High, just because we can (and because I just so happened to find a comical image to illustrate this in my Google imaging adventure)
When 1996 Leo turns into 1997 Leo and sinks to the bottom of the ocean, I will be forced to find a new love…
It won’t be that guy.
But does anybody else see a glint of Russel Brand there? Just saying…
Anyways, 1992 Mark Wahlberg and I will begin dating (it was inevitable) and after a short time he will propose to me (also inevitable).
Did I just waste 15 minutes of my life creating that image?
Meh. It’s not time wasted if it’s time enjoyed, I suppose… and oh, how I do enjoy me some Marky Mark for Calvin Klein 
You are hereby cordially invited to my 8 bit wedding in the year 2016, gorgeous blog reader.
I’m not entirely sure who I will be walking down the aisle with, but he’ll be just as excited as I am about wedding invitations that look something along the lines of these – otherwise, I wouldn’t be marrying him. Duh!
<3
Princess O’Pizzeach
Wal-Mart Dancing Granny = Role Model
Aug 17th
Oh. Snap.
That’s the sound of my hip breaking, 68 years in the future when I try to bust out a split jump at 92. It will be THAT loud because my bones are THAT strong. Drink your milk, kids.
I’ve been saying for years that my life goal is to become a hilarious old lady – perhaps of the rapping variety – so when I logged onto Buzzfeed this morning as per yooje and saw this, I was stoked.
Girls like me need more positive role models, wouldn’t you say?
Behold – MY FUTURE (minute 0:49 is where it really starts to get good):
I joke about how one day I will be that woman, but the truth is I kind of already am – minus 60 some-odd years, of course.
I don’t chill out in front of the CD listening box at Wal-Mart (things must be different where homegirl lives… in my neck of the woods, those stations are all crappy flute-laced lullaby mixes and puppets who sing about sharing) but I AM that girl who dances around the aisles of the supermarket like she’s Britney 1.0 when some good tunes are blaring over the PA.
If nobody’s around to see, I’ll practice pirouettes in the produce section – and I’m not just saying that for alliteration’s sake.
I bump and grind my way down the frozen food corridors, doing my little turn on the catwalk, even going so far as to slide across a particularly shiny floor like Tom Cruise in risky business when I feel like it.
I’d prove this with a video if I could find a friend who wasn’t too embarrassed to be seen with me when I get like this.
I’m not actually bff with that lil’ nugget, but I found that picture in my Mexico album when I was looking for the sunhat one above and I had to work it into this post somehow. Too scary good.
But back to our new friend.
Remember Grandpa Gaga? Well this is where I would have said he’s got some competition if I didn’t first think of a loooove connection.
What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. This is a match made in heaven. Almost a little bit too literally…
eek.
Before this post gets any weirder, I think I should get to bed. It’s been a long, productive day! Big things popping once again my friends… big big things
Night night, sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite! (seriously.)
Love always,
- Grandma Gaga.
internet turns awful into awesome
Jul 16th
Haih freannnds.
I’m not gunna lie – it’s been a rough night and I’m a sad panda. Rough like a porcupine wrapped in cat tongues grinding on a bed of gravel rough. Panda like the charming dichromatic Chinese mammal (not marsupial) of the family Ursidae.
Wait just a minute… that’s not a panda, THAT’S A DOG!
crevel, crevel, canine-ity trickstahboy!
I’m feeling better already. Long live internet power.
No no no, I said INTERNET power, not Turtle Power! Jeez, brain. NARF!
I couldn’t resist posting Teenage Mutant Ninja Poodle right smack there in that spot. It was too perfect.
Ummm like I was starting to say before I forgot how much I’ve hated the past 24 hours of my life, these night shifts I’ve been working have been taking a toll on my “happy”. The staying awake all night part isn’t nearly as hard as the whole “sleep during the day” thing.
Now don’t get me wrong – I love the work I do – but it’s so darn frustrating to leave the building at 8:00am, passing all of my freshly showered colleagues on the way out to get onto a steamy subway filled with coffee-sipping people who (for the most part) haven’t been awake all night. I envy their jam packed agendas, their business lunches to come, their post-work yoga class…
I struggle to stay awake by running my tired eyes over the newspaper crossword puzzle.
By the time I get home around 9:00 am, my hood is bustling with action and my BB is lighting up with new emails and pings every other minute.
I lie in bed, nervously watching the clock and feeling like a chump with the sun streaming through my budget venetians.
I can hear people in the flower shop below me – in the coffee shop across from my bedroom window. I want to be out there too, getting things done.
But sleep is essential, right? It’s something we’ve all got to do, whether we like to do it or not – because once you stop sleeping, you start to fall off your rocker just a little bit… and lohdy knows I don’t need to be any more sleep deprived than I already am.
Does anybody else out there do the shift work thing? How do you deal with things like this? I need some tips!
I never expected it to be so difficult. I mean, my mom’s been doing it my entire life (emergency rooms never close) and she’s on the ball… so why do I go through a bottle of Pepto every time I work past 4 a.m.?
I’m not the only one either. A strapping young reporter who used to work the very same job that I do now once told me in the elevator that he got mad heartburn every night when he was in the box too.
Is this the body’s way of telling us not to eff around with it’s Circadian rythym?
I’m not complaining, I’m just saying. Sometimes, it’s therapeutic to say. I know – I should be grateful that I’m not still working late nights in a noisy nightclub slingin’ beers till 5 am and waking up for morning classes (though my WORD do I miss that bar scene somethin’ fierce when I’m in the mood to get loud). And I am grateful. I DO love my job – I’m just being a kindergarten baby. Wash my face in gravy.
ew.
Long story short, here’s why I’m pissy:
yesterday, I get home from work around 9:00 a.m. and watch Regis & Kelly in PEI while willing myself to drift off. I Drift in and out of sleep all day in a sweat-boxy room having nightmares about catching diseases that don’t even exist until I’m woken up around 6:00 p.m.
Confused as to whether I should eat breakfast or dinner (?) I whip up some oatmeal with a side salad and tofu cubes. I return some of the bajillion emails and calls I’ve missed during the day and then I go to Wal-Mart. I’ve slept through yoga class and my knee is sore as heck for some reason so I go for a long walk. When I get home, I’m feeling sleepy and disoriented so I try to nap for an hour but can’t so I wake up and pack my bag for the day/night. It’s heavy.
I set out on my bike into the most humid, smoggy weather I’ve experienced in years and when I’m about 10 minutes into a 45 minute long ride, my nerdy asthmatic ass has to pull over for a puffer break. But I forgot my puffer at home because I’m brilliant like that.
So, I continue on feelin’ weezy and light-headed until I have to stop again because the chain falls off of my bike.
I sit down next to the bike and let myself get wet for a bit – because it’s raining now, you see – and then I attempt to fix the chain. It takes me a good 10 minutes to yank it back into place and now my hands and black with grease. nbd.
I hop back on and continue my ride. When I get to the variety store with 6 minutes to spare before my shift and see that there’s no coffee left, I buy a redbull and apologize to the clerk for getting grease all over his counter.
Then, it’s into the office to wash up and work. I wash up. I work. I keep working long after I’m supposed to be leaving because I have to stay late (early? lol) and then I ride my bike back home, starving and exhausted yet too wired to even consider sleeping so I eat some eggs and a popsicle (i dunno) and I BLAWG. Hi.
/complaining
Enough of this negativity. That’s not what I am all aboot. I just needed to vent a little bit.
Now, I need to LAUGH a little bit and so do you – even if you’re already having a fantsmashulous day. Humour me and enjoy the following artifacts of webawesomess:
Rhett and Link’s Epic Rap Battle:
Monkey raping a frog (*disclaimer: laurenoutloud.com does not condone interspecial sex crime – unless it’s hilarious*):
25 creatively painted gaming consoles:
Hug a hipster:
My Little D’ohny and Bart Delarge:
Okay, that’s enough for now. Gotta save something for my wedding day.
Thanks for listening to me gripe – even if you just skimmed over the whiny bits. You rule at life.
Who needs a therapist when you’ve got a blog?
HIGH FIVE!
Love, LaurenOneiL
Pizza Upskirts (and other weird sh*t I found online)
Jul 13th
If you can see the link to a Flickr gallery called “Pizza Upskirts” and not click on it, then all the power to ya, my pure & mature friend.
I was sort of relieved / disappointed to find that this album didn’t actually contain any of the creeper-style upskirt shots with mini-pizzas photoshopped over the NSFW bits I was half expecting.
Um, anyways – I was clearing out MORE pictures from my miniscule hard drive (whom I have named Thumbelina McDumdum) and I stumbled upon the following gems in one of my many old “hilar” folders.
I wish I could give image credit where image credit is due (for a change) but alas, I have no idea where most of these came from. I really really wish I did so that I could go back and find more weirdness. After seeing this tonight @ the Drake, I’m in the mood for offbeat… but I’m not even going to get into how incredibly, mind-blowing and NOT terrible Everything is Terrible is, ’cause that’s a whoooole other blogpost. One that I will write tomorrals.
Now laugh and/or feel uncomfortable, please:
(cyanide and happiness, ftw!)
And my favourite photo of the right now:
/whiz-bang wonderful
It seems as though my blog is experiencing a temporary identity crisis. Silly laurenoutloud.com – you’re not hosted by Tumblr!
omglate.
bed.
night!
<3 NizzlyLoo
PS - if you'd like to read some of my more... erm... coherent work for some reason, I've got a new post up on thestar.com’s intern blog. It’s about G20 Gawkers and citizen journalism.
I wrote a biglong story at work today too when I wasn’t busy writing up little crime gests. That felt good. As much as I adore writing about traffic fatalities and stabbings, sometimes it’s cool to stretch my legs in the box a bit.
When life gives you wheelchair… make lemonade!
Jun 13th
“The next thing we’re gunna learn to cook… IS TAKE OUT!” bwahahaha…
That’s Zach. He’s the next big thing in all things thing.
I love him — and not in an even remotely ironic way. I seriously think this guy is the shit. He rocks his cerebral palsy (he calls it the sexiest of the palsies) and turns it into hilarity, then he throws some sprinkles all over that cupcake with some delightfully corny jokes and wacky crip-schtick.
love him.
love, love, love.
um… yeah.
Whatevs. I still love him.
Vote for Zach in Oprah’s “search for the next tv star” contest if you dig him as much as I do… and I know you do because you’re awesome like that. I know this because a) you’re read my blog and b) I’m watching you right now.
Nice pants.
<3 Lauren O’Prah2
Malorkus, Dorkus Elizabeth.
Jun 8th
GLAVIN!
Sooo my graduation photos came in while my parents were on vacay :S
I wasn’t too keen on the idea of being immortalized in a dorky hat in the first place – which, by the way, was the BOY’s hat since my gigantico skull and/or coif (I like to think it was my mass of hair?) was too big for the ladies’ hat. My shoulders were too small for the sash thing too. The photographer kept laughing “BIG HEAD, LITTLE SHOULDERS, FREAK!!!”
Er… something along those lines but less overtly cruel. I left feeling like Stewie Griffin, nonetheless.
Wow. That’s procrastination at it’s finest right there, my friends – hahaha.
Anyways, I was tempted to burn this heinous photo when I saw it in the mail until I looked at the invoice and learned that they cost more than my mothereffing TUITION for four years!!!
K, I’m obviously exaggerating just a titch, but seriously – these standardly awkward run-of-the-mill keepsakes are way overpriced.
I wouldn’t pay more than 10 bucks for a picture of my own kid! Maybe that’ll change after I have a kid though. Actually, I should hope it would since I’ve spent a lot more than ten dollars on photos of my cats over the years…
My official graduation is next Monday, and it is my sincerest hope that I don’t trip over my gown and stumble into the president of the university, hit him in the crotch with my head and then run out of the auditorium with blood running out of my nose, sneezing all the way because I’m allergic to the flowers…
*fingers crossed*
More posting later – right now I’ve gotta fly up out of this starbucks and look at another apartment. Hopefully, this one isn’t on top of a strip club that serves hot dogs and next to a methadone clinic!
Ahhh Toronto. You’ve gotchyer charms, ya do…
<3 L
The morning AWESOME : JoonDaTerrdTooFowZindenTen.
Jun 3rd
Morning baby
It’s time for your oh-so-sporadic (yet aspiringly regular!) morning dose of WHAT’S GOOD.
The trendy, the hot, the offbeat, the hilar.
Always decamerous, never didascalic <- a little bit pretentious ~ a lotta bit AWESOME ->
1. The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra: They turn VEGETABLES into MUSIC with their MAD CARVING SKILLZ – just like I turn INNOCENT PICTURES into FILTHY PRONO with my SICK TWISTED SKULL GUNK!
Oh who are we kidding? There is not a darn thing innocent about that picture – unless you’re like, all pure of heart and untainted or something… Dweeb.
Seriously…
2. Dutch World cup t-shirts : Now, I’m no futbal fan per se (I was scarred by a way-too-rowdy-to-be-cool crowd of soccer fans in Italy. And Ireland. And France. Euros take this shiz way too seriously) but I do dig these shirts all the way to Hong Kong and beyond. Imagine how much fun you could have spooking people out…
I think I’m going to make myself a Dick Cheney version. That would be spooky.
3. THE ONION FACE:
It’s a freaking FACE. In an ONION!!! *logs onto ebay*
4. The Grandpa bandit: I don’t know why I think this is so great. It’s not great. Some old dude is robbing banks all up over the United States… but when I read about the “Grandpa Bandit” at 5:00 a.m. this morning at work while I was cruising the wires for breaking news and stuff, I lost it.
Sleep induced grandpa-lovin’ hysteria. Happens to the best of us.
I’d rock these in a heartbeat, obvs.
6. Ghostbusters Proton Backpack: This one, I wouldn’t rock. Not feminine enough for my tastes (you know how I like my backpacks classy) but I can appreciate how cool it is and possibly buy one for my life sized Dan Aykroyd action figure uh… brother.
7. Conan O’Brien. Stephen Colbert. Jon Stewart.
Dance Off.
‘Nuff said.
8. The “BP Public Relations” Tweetstream – a fake Twitter account for BP Global (you know, the company responsible for that little oil sitch in the gulf right meow…). Some seriously hilarious Tweets coming from this account:
9. It’s a blackberry! It’s a cake! It’s a BLACKBERRY CAKE!!! (and 11 other awesome geeky cakes, if you follow that link):
NES Cake = also mange-worthy.
10. Nothing like finishing off the morning awesome with a little bit of Cat-i-tude:
Fierce!
Love,
Lau-so-lovin’-it-always O’Neily
pyrotechnic panties & a unicorn brigade : my 2010 MMVA Wishlist…
Jun 1st
Bonjeezy, folks!
You know that feeling you get every year when December the 1st rolls around and shops start to blare “jingle bell rock” over the intercoms and your neighbours throw inflatable reindeer on their lawns and your mom busts out her famous short bread cookie recipe?
You look at the calendar and you’re like “OHSNAP! It’s December! CHRISTMAS MONTH!!!”
Visions of sugarplums dance in your head (if for some reason you know what the hell a sugarplum is) and visions of all the stuff you could be scoring on Christmas morning dance across your computer screen (if you just so happen to make a big ol’ e-wishlist for Santa to draw inspiration from every year like I do).
Even if you don’t celebrate the big C, you can surely appreciate the jolly-good month long spirit of festivity and consumer frenzy / inevitable eggnog binges that come along with it.
Butttt why the heck am I talking about Santa Clause in June, you ask?
Becauuuuse, dear homies : like December, June is a VURRY EXCITING MONTH – a month filled with that same sort of anticipatory holiday cheer that strikes our hearts each and every winter.
When I woke up this morning and saw that it was June the 1st, I couldn’t help but turn to my stuffed goat and yell “OHSNAP GOATIE! IT’S JUNE THE FIRST! MMVA MONTH!!!“
If I had it my way, the shops would blast Drake and Billy Talent through their speakers all month long and my neighbours would put inflatable Justin Biebers on their lawn and my mom would… still make shortbread cookies.
Now, I can neither confirm or deny that Santa Claus will be at this year’s MuchMusic Video Awards – but I CAN confirm that Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Adam Lambert, Ke$ha, Down with Webster and Marianas Trench will be.
Not only will these cats BE there, but that they’ll be performing there. Shibby!
I have no idea what exactly they’ll be performing, but I’ve got my specu-ma-la-shunz… and a mental list of the things that I’d LIKE to see from this merry band of minstrels.
Let’s take that list from mental to digital, shall we?
Here it is, MuchManiacs – your blondest MMVA VVIP’s…
2010 MuchMusic Video Awards Wishlist:
- Dear Adam Lambert – from you, I want to see a boy version of the “Gaga moment”. I’m talking pyrotechnics, my envelope-pushing friend.
Remember last year when Lady Gaga blew our… minds… with her fire-shooting robobra? Yeah, well that’s what I want to see from you… sort of. Allow me to photostrate:
Get it?
I only ask that you wait until the very end of your performance to set off your superstellar robocrotch if you plan to re-visit any of your now-infamous AMA moments – cause that could be dangerous!
- Miss Miley – our hostess with the mostess. All I ask from you is to refrain from performing “Party in the U.S.A.”, unless of course you change the lyrics to “Party in the G.T.A.” – cause we Canadians are a patriotic lot, eh? And also because, as much as I love that song, every time I hear it I can’t get it out of my head for days and days no matter what I do…
- Dear Katy Perry – The only thing I love more than the dress-code laid out in your new song California Gurls (Daisy Dukes, bikiiinis on top!) is the verse by Snoop. If you couldn’t tell by the izzlfication of my last name, I’m a bit of a Snooperfan. If you bring the big bawss Dogg to the MMVAs with you, I will actually explode a little bit in my heart – and if the Dee oh double gee can’t make it up to the Teedot with you, that’s okay. I’ll be just as happy if you bring along your hilariously gorgeous husband
- Ke$ha, homegirl – you won my heart when you showed up on SNL with robot backup dancers.
I’ve been waiting my entire life for the robot to become mainstream again – like, cool in a non-ironic way.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty much the queen of robot dancing. When I bust out my moves at the club people are like “Woah – she’s really good at dancing like a robot. What a geek. Let’s throw lemons at her!”
If you bring robodancers with you to the MMVAs, the chances of this most underappreciated dance style becoming cool enough for me to rock without getting hated on will go way up.
So, Ke$ha, what I wish for from you is robots. Lots of robots. Dancing robots.
If you can’t find any ’round these parts, I’d be more than happy to get up on stage with you and pop lock it out…
- From the Down with Webster boys, I’d like them to follow up their promise that if I want it (girl) they will be my man(s). Not even joking. My wish is to go on a date with Down With Webster (the entire band – all 7 of them at the same time). 5 minutes hanging out in the VVIP area = a date in a pinch
- Dear Mariana’s Trench – I don’t know how on earth you’re going to top last year’s red carpet entrance, but… oh wait – YES I DO!
Marching bands are SO 2009. I want to see you riding in on muthavuggin’ UNICORNS.
I don’t care if they’re just glitter painted white horses with horns glued onto their heads. If you roll up on unicorns to the MMVAS, my life will be complete (like, if you let me cruise around on it at the afterparty).
And as for what I want from Ontario’s own scream-inducing heartthrob extraordinaire Mr.Justin Bieber – well, that deserves an entire blogpost of it’s own
I took to the streets with my handy video camera and asked Y’ALL what you’d like to see from the Biebs at this year’s MMVAs and needless to say, it was a pretty tall order.
Check back later tonight to view the melee right here on laurenoutloud.com!
<3 Always,
- Lauren
