Magazine Karma and Katy Perry’s Pseudo-Wisdom

It’s no secret (to anyone who’s seen my basement) that I’m a magazine junkie. I’m talkin’ JUN-KIE. I read magazines almost every single day; especially in the winter when I like to multitask it up on the treadmill. Yup – there’s nothing like sweating it out to a good ol’ couture spread or gadget review or um… the latest developments in Heidi Montag’s life… *cough*. Treadmill time is my “me time”, OKAY? Don’t judge.

I read from a wide variety of genres – Fashion, fitness, tech, science, design, news, entertainment, hipster, current affairs, gossip, craft, froofy-frah-frah, homemakery, indie zines, general awesomeness – I like it all! And I buy it all. Well… sort of.

You see, if I were to buy every single magazine I wanted to buy, I’d be even more broke than I already am (if that’s even possible). So, while I do buy far too many magazines (and subscribe to four), I end up picking up a lot of my treadmill fodder from the piles of magazines I see lying around the gym.

Of course, this doesn’t always work out well. It really depends on what gym I’m at on any given day (I’m a Goodlife gangsta so I have access to any of like, 10 gyms in this city alone – plus the University gym). Most of the time the selection is “meh” – sometimes it’s pretty aight – and sometimes it’s straight BOLLOCKS (I’m talking 2005 issues of Chatelaine, Men’s Health, and that Oprah magazine that’s always got Oprah on the cover. I think it’s called “Oprah” or something. That would make sense.) The new gym near my condo always seems to have recent issues of US Weekly around which is sweeet, but not exactly the most satisfying to read.

ANYWAYS, every once in a while (usually when I’m working out in a nicer part of town), I’ll spot a real gem on the racks. A brand new Shape Magazine with Carrie Underwood on the cover, or a pristine Walrus with an interesting feature article inside or – be still my heart – a super-thick British Vogue!

I kid you not – this has all actually happened to me, and these happy finds are starting to happen more and more often lately. Why? Because I’ve got great magazine karma.

“Why Lauren; What is Magazine Karma?” You ask?

Well, according to Wikipedia (Which I would argue, much to the chagrin of mainstream academic institutions everywhere, is, in fact, a credible source), Karma is “the concept of ‘action’ or ‘deed’, understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Sikh and Buddhist philosophies.”

When referenced by plebians like me, it’s usually taken to mean something along the lines of “what goes around comes around“.

Based on this principle, it is my belief that by leaving good magazines behind for others to discover at the gym, I will in turn discover good magazines myself. In the past three weeks alone, I’ve donated a brand new Marie Claire, an InStyle, a People magazine, a VegNews, a Women’s Health and countless Globe and Mails (newspapers aren’t magazines, but they’re good reading too!) to magazine racks at various Goodlife fitness clubs across the city.

In that same time period, I scored a Feb. 2010 Canadian Living, a Feb. 2010 Cosmo, a whole whack of recent tabloids, and this (Feb. 2010) issue of Glamour:

I effing LOVE Glamour, so I was like “SCORE!”.

Magazine Karma, man… I’m tellin’ ya!

Sooo, to segue akwardly into the topic that actually inspired me to start writing this post – it was through acquiring this issue of Glamour (that I only acquired because I left another good magazine behind at some point) that I learned pop star Katy Perry and I have a lot in common when it comes to our attitudes about love, sex and boysboysboys.

I was reading the Perry article on the elliptical trainer downtown and I was literally like “mmmhmm, preach it girl!”. Out loud – not just in my head like a normie. This happens a lot, I must admit. I’m pretty sure the people at Goodlife think I’m crazy or uh… whatever the politically correct word for “retarded” is.

I know that journalists are encouraged to make their subjects seem supercool in these types of magazines (have you ever noticed that almost every celebutard cover story in a fashion magazine starts with the writer talking about how surprised she is that the starlet in question is really “down to earth”, in sneakers and jeans, hair effortlessly swept up in a loose chignon, adopted shelter puppy in tow…) – Katy Perry’s interview could very well have been edited to make her sound like a dope chick that she is not. In fact, I would be surprised if it hadn’t been; but I like the content of this article regardless. Perry, or whoever the fehck is behind these words, is one savvy little cookie imho.

Rrraygahld…

THE BOY-RELATED WISDOM OF MS. KATY PERRY:

On the best thing about men…
“their sense of humour.”

[OBVS]

On dealbreakers…
“Lack of ambition. I can’t deal when someone dillydallies through life. You’ve got to have drive – that’s so sexy… If I feel like I’m being controlled, I get crazy. Because I know I made it this far by following my intuition. I think people like who I am, and I like who I am, and I want to be a better version of myself every single day. So stop controlling me!”

[HOLLAH! Nothing will drive a normal girl away faster than a way-too-clingy or controlling guy. And apathy is just... well, ew. Ambition = hot. Remember this, gentlemen.]

On sucking at casual relationships…
“I love music that moves me and makes the hair on my arms stand up. And I want the same thing in relationships. Either you can keep up or you can’t.”
[So keep up... or get left behind.]

On sack-relations..
“When I was meeting people in L.A., guys always thought that if they paid for dinner, they deserved a blow job. But generally, I’ll say this- and I’ll say it proudly – I can’t sleep with someone if I don’t have a connection with them.”
[yup.]

On Michael Jackson…

[k, I added that one in because I'm hilarious like that.]

On games…
“Games are not really cute to me… although they work on everyone [Laughs]. I like a guy who will call. I don’t care about the three day rule.”
[THANK YOU. Headgames are soooo undergrad. So fun. So painful. So immature.]

On what her man (Russel Brand) has over other guys…
“A vocabulary! He could slay anybody with the things that he says. He doesn’t even need his fists.”

[BLOGITORS NOTE: Here here! Nothing is hotter than a witty boy who can spit out big words and actually make sense. I've always been a sucker for smart boys - and when they're verbally smart... be still my heart.]

On when she’ll settle down…
“When I find a partner who’s my teammate. I’m not going to play by any rules, I’m just going to go with my heart. Why wait? I just wrote a song that goes ‘they say it’s hard to meet your match, gotta find my other half so we can make a perfect shape.”

[Awww.]

Perry also reveals in the article that she’s into dudes AND chicks. She should hook up with Lady Gaga and get the best of both worlds. Wouldn’t that just be like, the hottest pant-hating crazy lesbanim couple EVER? Move over Ellen & Portia – Gaga & K-Perz ftw! <3

I have been writing for entirely too long. I’ve got to get to bed and rest up for a big day tomorrow. Sunday night already… jeesh – these weekends just fly by, don’t they? I had another amazing one. I think that I’ll do a ‘best of February’ photoblog when I get a chance.

I wish I had the time to blog about every single one of my adventures individually, but alas, I am a busy girl and the school work – she is a-callin’…

If only I could land a summer job or something that allowed me to write about my exploits full time! That would be soooooo nice … VOTE LAUREN FOR AXE.

Come ahhhn… come ahhhhhn!

<3 Lauren

PS - HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! It's the year of the Toooiger, did you know? RAWR! MEOW! Tigers are big kittehs, YEY!

Ohsnap – here’s an ‘ethics of blog-a-malism’ debate topic for us. I just googleimaged “chinese new year kitteh” and stumbled upon this image…

So riddle me this, friends – where does a young blogournalist draw the line between funny and offensive? I obviously err on the side of… whatever the opposite of caution is usually, but is this one straight up racist or plain hilarious? I would argue that it’s both, but who am I to argue anything?

Is the mere allusion towards a racial stereotype justified if it’s comedic enough? I’ll let you ponder this while I go into hibernation mode… my mind is on critical low-bat right now.

*for the record, laurenoutloud.com does not condone racism, sexism, speciecism, or kicking eldery women in the face. Unless it’s really really funny.