raves
Unboxing my new laptop: Meet Barbie III
Aug 11th
Dearest blog readers,
I’d like to introduce you to the newest member of my electronic family – Barbie III. She’s pink, she’s perky, and she’s powerful enough to put your washing machine to shame.
Unless, of course, your washing machine also has an i7 processor, 6 Gigs of RAM and a motherlovin’ TERABYTE of storage – in which case, OMG who the heck are you and will let me use your sweet washing machine?
The Purolator man delivered her earlier this week and while I wasn’t home to experience the miracle, I’m told it was a relatively short and painless delivery.
With such a snappy, snagless conception period, I had only expected as much. Even with all of my sick mods and pimpations, there was only about a week between payment and drop-off. Impressive.
Words can’t express how excited I am about this, so I made a video. An UNBOXING video. It was only a matter of time.
I’m currently blogging on my busted trusty Barbie II. One last hoorah with the old Dell before I move on… *sigh* I can’t bear to think of her all cubed up in a recycling depot.
Maybe I can donate this laptop to someone who doesn’t need the F5 key… Or turn it into a dedicated terminal for my NES Roms.
Yes… that’s an idea I like 
I already have the USB controller, too! PARTY.
And speaaaaking of awesome, Dell and Windows just so happen to be throwing a huge end-of-summer bash featuring Down With Webster – you know that dope band of super hot guys from the Beaches? Yeah. I love ‘em something fierce, so I’m psyched to be hitting up this event.
Wanna come too? Of course you do, it’s gunna be so sick.
Head on over the Dell Spot and enter RIGHT MEOW ’cause you’ve only got until the 15th to get your name in! And if you do score an invite, let me know and we can meet up and high five a little bit, k?
It is with so much love that I bid you adieu from Barbie II for the very last time.
-Nizz
cows and cows and cows and CYRIAK HARRIS.
Aug 4th
Don’t watch this if you’re high. Seriously. A lot of kids freaked out on me after I posted this on Facebook.
Woah…Cyriak Harris just blew your FRICKING MIND!!!
I had to wiki this dude after stumbling upon his website. His awesome, awesome website. According to interweb authoritahs, Harris is a freelance animator guy from England known for his surreal short web animations.
“Cyriak displays a surreal and often disturbing animation style with a distinct British theme. Many of his animations are based on Z-List celebrities, television shows and his hometown of Brighton.”
Remind me never to go to Brighton… issss what I would say if I were a square, like yer MAHM (ayoooooh!).
If Brighton is anything like this, I’m going RIGHT MEOW and I’ll live there forever and ever amen like a character in some unfortunate hippy’s epic neverending acid trip.
meweirdyoulongtime.
Oooh oooooh – and guess who has the best freaky animated gif section on his website like, ever? It’s totally CYRIAK.
Allow me to share a few of my favourites – because blondespaz insomniacs shouldn’t have all the fun.
(warning: if you HAVE been smoking the drugs, you should probably navigate away from the page at this point, lest you trip the fachk out and make me feel bad for ruining your happy.)
How’s that for the morning awesome?
One more. This one’s even better than cows and cows and cows.
<3
Hot hot hot : Lohan + KAWS for Complex
Jul 31st
I just found some uber caliente pics of the saintly Miss Linday Lohan on cell-block-D-upskirts.com. j/k. That website doesn’t exist… yet.
Ow ow ow! I think 85 per cent of that photo’s appeal comes from KAWS (home-man’s style is hotter than fire, imho) but LohAAn doesn’t look half bad in that dope bikini by… sheeeet, I tried to Google that but I don’t have the energy right now to sift through half a million hits for “Lindsay Lohan Bikini Complex”.
The cover shoot for the August/September issue of Complex magazine took place in May, back before our buxom friend went into lockdown. I can’t help but wonder how freaking wasted she is when I watch this (stylishly produced) featurette viddy:
Noice!
Off to Caribana with some of my Windsor betches! Expect many tweets…
Socks with Sandals – Would You Rock it?
Jul 29th
to besock thy foot or not to besock thy foot… that is today’s sartorial conundrum.
What do you think, friend? Is the socks & sandals trend school girl cute or get the feck oot?
it’s a debate as old as time itself.
… okay maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration.
It’s actually a debate that’s as old as Fall of 2009ish within the fashion community (give or take a few seasons – I do live in Canada and suck at fashion, after all).
For me, it’s a debate as old as an 8th Grade field trip to Niagara falls when I stood my proud germaphobic ground and refused to take off daddy’s white tube socks – even after the other girls told me I looked like a dork.
Apparently, wearing knee-high mansocks with Nike slides, demin minishorts and an oversized Gap sweatshirt was not looked upon favourably by the 12-year-old fashionistas of Chatham. Little did those betches know, I was just being fashion forward.
Obviously, I’m all for this look. I’m a die-hard lifetime sock fanatic (I hate bare feet) and I’m all about the lolita chic aesthetic.
I’ve been experimenting with this trend a bit this year, pairing dainty nylons with pumps and mary-janes when appropriate – but I’ve yet to go all out and strap someopen-toed espadrilles over a pair of socks. yet.
I think I may just try it out this weekend… I’ve got the perfect pair of Michael Kors Nikis, I just need the right sockies to wear them with! I wonder if my mom kept these puppies?
SHORTBANGS FTW!
<3
Dorkus O’Lorkus.
wise words from the mustachioed man on my hipster rag…
Jul 23rd
HAY HAY HAY!
Last week I picked up a bunch of free magazines at The Drake. (And by ‘magazines’, I mean promotional rags, pamphlets, postcards, flyers, discarded cocktail napkins… anything remotely cool looking and/or colourful that fit into my purse. Yeah, I’m one of those people – and I’ve got four bulletin boards, a computer desk overflowing with bright wacky schtuff and a perpetually sextuple-booked “zawesome events!” Google calendar to show for it.)
One of said magzors had some really cool stuff in it - like this:
annnnnd THIS:
And also, the greatest horoscopes I’ve ever read ever. I know I exaggerate like, a katrillion times a minute, but I’m being serious. In all my human life years, I have never laughed my way from Capricorn to Sagittarius straight (sans-whipits).
Mine (Scorpio) was pretty much bang-on…
You have a beer gut you didn’t have to pay for and your hearing is permanently shot from blasting illegally downloaded Diplo remixes over shitty dive-bar sound systems. If blogs could give out medals, you’d have a Purple Heart. Go get ‘em, tiger.
k, maybe not BANG on, but it was hilarious so things are gravy.
And speaking of gravy, the icing on my meaty cake of hip-to-be-hip gold was ION’s interview with Ukranian-born moustache man musician Eugene Hu?tz, front guy of uber-acclaimed gypsy-punk band Gogol Bordello.
I’d heard the good buzzzz about this band, but never really got around to checking them out as I’m not one for weird music that sounds like crap. Gogol’s music SO does not sound like crap, by the way, I just kind of assumed that it would based on all of the other highly buzzzzed about stuff I blindly download.
Plus, one of my Czech friends has a SUPER hate on for gypsies, and that Steven King book ‘Thinner‘ paints them in a terrible light, and Snatch too… so I was sort of like “ew, gypsies”.
Then I learned that hating on gypsies is like TOTALLY RACIST.
Huh.
Anyways, I’m totally going to marry a gypsy punk-rocker if he will have my hand because holysmokes do I less than three my new homeboy-in-my-head for saying this:
“… fashion is basically one of the lower forms of art. I don’t detest fashion. It’s just that the importance is blown out of proportion. Most fashion has become institutionalized elitism. Personally, I don’t give a fuck about fashion. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate if somebody whips some combination out that I’ve never seen before. Fashion is great when it is spontaneous and upbeat, or from somebody whose aesthetic about fashion is very artistic and solid…”
and also, this…
“the idea of nostalgia is very much a part of the Western condition. It’s also been employed as a big business by capitalists milking people’s weaknesses—a form of mental laziness. People are chasing the wrong things. It seems people are either constantly aiming towards some goal that they think will finally free them, or they are taking comfort in things that have already happened. It’s this doomed way of thinking that the best time in their life has either already happened, or that it never will happen, y’know? So, I’m not really a fan of that. It’s not about arriving anywhere, or dwelling on all the places you’ve been. It’s about the cruising.”
*swoon*
Smart and [would be] sexy [without the creepstache].
And yes, by the way, I understand the irony of me loving those statements – the hypocrisy -as I am both a hardcore clotheswhore and a girl who relies heavily on nostalgia for much of the content she produces. I’m trying to change both of those things, bear with me. We all need a little bit of a kick sometimes.
I am just loving all of this found indie and hipster media strewn around Toronto’s cool bars and java joints. Screw Nylon and Vice - I can be irreverently hip without having to spend a dime. *smug hair toss*
Wait… can I still be hip if I don’t blow my paycheque on stuff that makes me look like I’m not trying to be hip?
Meh. It’s okay… I was never hip to begin with.
<3 Lauren`
PS – I also realize that by hipster-bashing I’m being as unoriginal and douchebaggy as the very scenesters I’m making fun of. The blogoverse has been jokesin‘ on those American Apparel kids since like, 2008 or something. Google “stupid hipsters” – trust.
*sigh* we’re so damn insecure, the whole lot of us, aren’t we?
Zef soooo fresh: Die Antwoord & Sleigh Bells in Toronto
Jul 21st
“When Ninja’s hypnotically vulgar pelvic thrusts collide with Vi$$er’s I’ll-cut-you grin and a techno beat so massive it can unite continents, cultures and every corner of those aforementioned “interwebs,” who needs more of an answer than that?” (fb)
Wat pomp, julle?
I just got home from one dope fooking show at the Phoenix.
Die Antwoord + Sleigh Bells = some seriously next level shit.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you all about how awesome Ninja and Yo-Landi Vi$$er are because I already did that back in like, February.
What I will say is that after seeing the notoriously zef South African rap-ravers LIVE, I’m even deeper in love than ever before.
I didn’t expect Yo-Landi to be so tiny (or sexy, the little minx!), and Ninja was surprisingly polite with his stage banter (“jou ma se poes, means ‘your mum’s private parts!’” hahaha) but wicked nonetheless.
Their energy was off the chains, I mean that. I don’t know which of the world’s chains I’m referring to, but I like that turn of phrase and it feels appropriate here.
Die Antwoord straight killed it.
Brooklyn’s Sleigh Bells, a “noise-pop duo” as described by wiki, were just as insane.
I’d heard of the band, but never actually heard the band until tonight – and am I ever glad I did because their sound is very, very, very much the type of sound I dig.
Chatting with rockstar Alexis Krauss after the show was also a trip because she is very, very, very much the type of fiercely talented woman I look up to.
I’m just psyched as pie that I actually got into this concert. Like the supergenius that I am, I waited until the show was sold out before decided to get a ticket.
Figuring that I could grab a pair from scalpers, I went anyways annnnd lo-and-behold – scalpers a plenty… charging 80-100 bones a ticket. Five times the actual price!
“Come onnnn,” one grey-bearded old scalper dude yelled after I laughed in his face and started walking away. “You spend more than that on lipstick in a week!”
I was thisclose to kicking him in the balzzors, but I walked away and opened up UberTwitter on my BB instead.
A search for “die antwoord” revealed many an exciting tweet – one of which was particularly exciting to me:
@inspirationdate: Anyone need a Sleigh Bells + Die Antwoord ticket at cost? $20. I’ll be at the Phoenix in an hour or so.
SCORE!
Luck of the Irish + Magic of social media = me inside the venue 30 minutes later flanked by cute boys & sweet girls, drink in hand, smile on face.
In concloooojeeyon – I am once again grateful to the universe for an excellent night.
The bands were sick, the weather was hot, I got the chance to catch up with some of my good peeps and I met some new ones too.
Toronto shows are so very different from Detroit shows… it’s a much tighter scene. A little bit more pretentious, but a lot more Canadian. I love it
Can’t wait for the next one !
L.
How to trick people into thinking you’re good looking
Jul 19th
Dear Jenna Mourey,
I love you. Like, I love you – in the creepiest, most fan-girl obsessity way possible. This video rocked my Dollarama hallowe’en socks:
Never change.
Love,
Lauren O’Nizzle – a girl who sometimes tries to trick people into thinking she’s kind of good looking
sick soundtrack for facebook flick (+ timbfro hottness)
Jul 17th
Have y’all seen the trailer for David Fincher’s the social network yet?
you probably should, if only to moon over Justin Timberlake’s sweet little anglofro (i’d call it a jewfro or an afro, but timbo is neither jewish or african so… yeah) or any one of the ridiculously good-looking people that are about flash across your screen.
Like a hottie buffet for your brain, this one. Unbuckle the belt on your retinas right now, ladies and gents – the feast begins… (who the eff wears a belt inside their eyeball, btw? *judging you*)
As visually stimulating as this clip was, what really got me to watch it past the initial eye-rolling “oh PUH-LEASE – a freakin’ FACBEOOK MOVIE?” moment was the siccckly eerie choral cover of Radiohead’s “Creep” playing throughout.
I tend to be a visually inclined person by nature, but I do appreciate some good aural stimulation (*physically kicks mind up out of the gutter*)
Naturally, I Googled the shite out of said song and learned that this particular cover of Radiohead’s 1993 hit was done by Scala and Kolacny Brothers – an obscure Belgian girl’s choir headed up by two guys called Stijn and Steven Kolacny. It was recorded in 2002.
Nice choice, musical director (or whoever was responsible for selecting the viddy’s tuneage). The song itself is a noted favourite for many within the film’s target audience (which I can only assume is Millennials, GenX-ers, and the odd hip Boomer or curious teenybopper, judging by the content and promotional strategy thus far). It’s enduring – timely both now and, obviously, in 1993 where the film takes its roots.
I was only 7 when Radiohead dropped that track, but it’s one of my all-time favourite songs. I grew up listening to it, not really even understanding a lot of the subtleties until I was a lot older… kind of like those old episodes of the Simpsons and Seinfeld that I watched repeatedly as a child but didn’t really “get” until I was a teenager. (“Mommy, what’s a shrinkage?”)
Annnnd I’m babbling now, so I’ll go get on with my day. My parents are coming to visit in a few hours! They’re taking me to see Miss Saigon and then out for dinner. Hopefully, they’re bringing me some stuff from home… like Oatmeal the bear. I’m having trouble sleeping without him…
I totally just ripped that pic straight out of 2006. My dead myspace page is like a time capsule from 2nd year undergrad. Adorable and mortifying at the same time.
I wonder if Facebook will ever become extinct? Replaced by some new service and relegated into the dark abyss of interwebs past… used as a hosting service for indie bands and FOX show advertisements?
Nah… it’s TBTF… Like the Lehman Brothers or Merrill Lynch!
Wait, what?….
Whatever – it’s not like Myspace Tom ever had a film made about HIS life now is it? A film that has both ANN PERKINS and LONDON TIPTON in it, to boot!
I’m not even being snarky – I effing love Rashida Jones – so hard. And Brenda Song is cool too, even if I only know her as the Asian Paris Hilton of my Saturday morning TV line-up.
I don’t want to wait until October to see this flick. But I will, because I’m nice like that… and also, not magic.
<3 Lauren O’Yorke
Barbie Joins Foursquare!
Jul 16th
Barbie Video Girl has a video camera on her chest, an LCD screen on her backpack, and she comes with a pink USB cord. Essentially, she’s a camcorder and a #blondepride icon at the same time.
My god is it good to be 7-years-old right now.
I just read on Mashable that BVG has joined foursquare.
This officially makes her the hippest (and tiniest) 52 year old woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of undressing and painting with magic markers.
iJustine (a real-flesh blondestar in her own right) toured the Mattell factory to celebrate the occasion. i am le hecka jellz and super grateful at the same time, for now I know how Barbie hair gets onto Barbie heads. Finally!
C’est tout.
Lauren.
Everything is (SO NOT) terrible
Jul 16th
I don’t know how to begin describing what I saw at the Drake Underground Monday night.
I seriously can’t think of an appropriate adjective.
“Weird” is too tame. “Awesome” is too lame. “Hilarious” is thrown around way too loosely in my everyday vocabulary to be used on something that literally made my face ache from laughing so hard for two hours straight. My cheeks are quivering just thinking about it.
I’m sure there’s a word somewhere within the English language to describe Everything is Terrible’s Quest for the Magick Crystal Tour… If not in English, then surely in Mandarin, and if not Mandarin, then SURELY in Newspeak. “doubleplusgood“, perhaps?
Whatever the most appropriate adjective is, it should most definitely be used with an emphatic “fucking” in front of it.
As promised, EIT’s new film (2Everything2Terrible2: Tokyo Drift) pretty much melted my face off just like everything else on their genius flucking website.
If you like post-postmodernist psychadellic pseudo-vintage pop culture remixes, or are a hypersatirical millenial neo-nerd who tries to use schmancy terms in big run-on sentences like me *BREATH*, you’ll love this film.
Also, if you have eyeballs you’ll love this film.
If you didn’t already know, Everything is Terrible = Seven internet monsters who scour the seven seas (but like, on land) for old VHS tapes with so-weird-it’s-pee-your-pants-hilarious stuff on them that isn’t actually supposed to be hilarious but IS hilarious – know what I mean?
Stuff like Educational Christian videos, Cat massage tutorials from the 80s, and the creepiest/BEST yoga workout video for children in the history of yoga, workout videos and children:
EIT takes said VHS tapes, digitize them and puts them online for you to watch at work while you’re supposed to be doing something less awesome.
THEN, they take these fabulous clips and re-mix them into insanely entertaining feature-length films like the one I saw on Monday night during their show at The Drake.
I think I fell legitimately in love with these monsters after seeing them do their thing in person – and by “do their thing” i mean dance around the room, make witty quips in funny voices and teach the audience about shade tippage.
Did I mention that they’re monsters from the internet? Monsters. From THE INTERNET.
(image by Ashley Macknica)
*sigh*
I used to think I was quirky and unique for loving weird shit like this. Not to sound like a hipster who gets all pissy when their favourite obscure underground band starts to get popular but like… well you know where I’m going with this.
To fetch my dinner from the microwave, that’s where – ’cause that little black tray of sodium saturated goodness certainly isn’t going to walk into my belly on its own, now is it?
yup.
Love always,
Lauren O’Gilgamesh.
