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LOL Digest: Patti Mayonaise, Kanye West and the Noche de Rábanos
Aug 25th
Hi friends.
This is what’s up in the mind of one female earthling sitting in Toronto on a rainy hump day night…
Some Angels were in town today because we’re (finally) getting Victoria’s Secret stores in Canada (a whole two of them! woohoo!). Can you believe this is Adriana Lima’s first visit to Canada – ever?! I heard she requested Polar Bear in her stirfry. And they gave it to her. Whatever. She’s Adriana frahking Lima. She can eat the shoes off of my feet if she wants to… think she’d want to?
I was going to try to ninja snipe an interview with Chanel Iman or something but I was worried that big huge bodyguards might pounce and I’d get punched out by a Green Mile look-a-like.
Totally kidding – I’m not afraid of Green Mile. I could take him out if I wanted to.
The reason I couldn’t go down to witness human perfection with mine own eyes is because I had to work today. WOMP WOMP.
Speaking of dope chicks who kick ass, I finally watched Kick Ass the other night and fell head over borderline homo pedophilic heels for Hit Girl just like everybody else.
Was a finer character this year portrayed in film? I think not.
When I grow up, I want to be a purple haired potty mouthed prepubescent killing MACHINE. Badass meets cute meets all of the awesome epic cool words combined right here.
McLovin’ was alright in this too (even though he’s a total douche IRL) and I was crushing hard on Kick Ass when he wasn’t being a mayjah lovey-dovey poes. I do love me a cute little anglofro.
I was validated in the best way Monday when I stumbled upon this video of Kesha’s Tik Tok and Katy Perry’s California Gurls (with some Miley Cyrus clone joint I’d never heard) mashed up and sounding like… pretty much the exact same song.
I’ve been ranting internally about these two songs and their striking similarity all summer – singing along with one when the other would be playing, just to prove my point.
I only wish now that I had voiced this groundbreaking discovery earlier so that I could have 64,000 hits on Youtube. Surely, we were the only ones who knew about this.
Pop music – FORMULAIC? As if.
I am so disillusioned.
Also cool this week: discovering that there is a festival JUST FOR RADISHES in Mexico – a weird one, too – on December 23rd (The night of the radishes). A tuna tossing festival, a baby-jumping festival and a monkey buffet festival – these things also exist. Thanks Buzzfeed!
Radishes remind me of beets and beets remind me of Doug, so I did some Googling and found a few episodes of my old favourite show to watch when I get a chance. Can’t wait for that. Doug’s right up there with Pokemon, Sailor Moon, Rugrats and Recess for the top viewed “rush home after school to watch” cartoons of Lauren time.
*Doo doo doo doo doo doooo dooo…* I’d whistle that if I could (I can’t) but you wouldn’t be able to hear me anyways.
PS – searching for Doug images showed me a side of Patti Mayonnaise I really never cared to see. Rule 34 on that one, big time. I was, however, lead to this hallucinatory revelation on Vice.com and love it very much:
I see Patti as more of a Carey Mulligan than an Agyness Deyn, personally.
Lest I be mistaken for a nostalgia blogger, I shall turn now to Kanye West.
Have you heard this remix of Power yet? Yeez is getting a lot of leverage off of the original, but it’s well deserved.
Jay-Z and Swizz Beatz feature on this remix, so it’s obviously amazing. Could you just picture the three of them in a room together?
Jay: Yo, I gotta get home to B…
Swizz: Yeah, Alicia be waitin’ up for me too…
Kanye: I’M KANYE WEST. KANYE. LOOK AT MY SHOES. I’M KANYE. KANYE WEST. LOOK AT ME.
jokes, jokes… you know I love me some Mr. West 
Kanye West Ft. Jay Z – Power (Remix) by moneykillslove.blogspot
Um… outside of the internet I’ve been busy as heck. That’s why I’ve been blogging late nights at 1:00 a.m. Wonder how long before I finally crack from the sleep deprivation?
To give you the short and sweet of it…
- Sunday I went out for a nice charity Brunch with some lovely ladies:
- Then I went to Ikea and out for dinner with Frikshun and bought way, way, way too much Swedish goodness. Fell in love with this vanity station… will probably go back to buy it next week.
- Sean bought the hipstamatik filter for his iPhone. Loves it.
- I started a new gig on Monday. Top floor in an office building downtown with a gorgeous view of the water. Free coffee, ice-cream on Fridays and an arcade machine in the “games room”. The work is cool too… real cool Toronto’s been good to this kid.
- Monday night I hit up a gasmy Twitterific event at The Gladstone Hotel and that was fun. Met some more cool TO Tweeps and caught up with some I hadn’t seen in a minute. Paul McCartney made a video of me driving home and attempting to beat box after the event:
- Tuesday, I worked and then had some appointments – eyeball and hair. The latter of which was so, so awesome as always. Marisa is the queen of head massages and hand massages and listening to me bitch about life and, most importantly, DOING THE BLONDE. Fabulous colourist. So glad I found her
- Also Tuesday = a little bit of shopping, a solid run and some serious kitten cuddles. And I caught the pink cement truck with my Blackberry. FINALLY!
- Today was 9-fiver – with many an adventure up in that time – and then straight to the gym afterwards for some yoooogah and eliptical goodness. Read the H&M magazine on the machine and was filled with fashionable ideas, a list of things to buy. I guess that’s the point…
- Got caught in the rain afterwards when I walked to get groceries. Laaaame but sort of cool. Rain in general is sort of cool, don’t you think?
I’m rambling.
Tomorrow is another huge day and Friday is even huger… Saturday, also Huuuuge.
I’ll blog. You know I will
Love,
Leelee
PS – this is how you draw an owl.
8 bit wedding invitations – A 1990s acid trip love story
Aug 23rd
When 1996 Leonardo DiCaprio and I get married, this is what our wedding invitations will look like:
We will film the honeymoon coitus for web distribution, and it will look something like this (minus Bowser):
*shakes head* Rule 34…
The money we earn from said proh-no-graphic masterpiece will be spent to commission an MK style battle royale between Teddy Ruxpin and Champ Bear.
We will bet everything on Ruxpin, rig the fight, and clean house in our illegal “talking cartoon teddy bear death match” gambling ring.
T-Pain will be infuriated by how much he has to pay us and release an auto-tuned self-recording of “the song that doesn’t end” from Lamp Chop’s play along out of spite.
Leo and I will distract ourselves paying washed up celebrities to commit random acts of mischief and murder.
We’ll get 1991 Dustin Diamond to shoot up Bayside High, just because we can (and because I just so happened to find a comical image to illustrate this in my Google imaging adventure)
When 1996 Leo turns into 1997 Leo and sinks to the bottom of the ocean, I will be forced to find a new love…
It won’t be that guy.
But does anybody else see a glint of Russel Brand there? Just saying…
Anyways, 1992 Mark Wahlberg and I will begin dating (it was inevitable) and after a short time he will propose to me (also inevitable).
Did I just waste 15 minutes of my life creating that image?
Meh. It’s not time wasted if it’s time enjoyed, I suppose… and oh, how I do enjoy me some Marky Mark for Calvin Klein
You are hereby cordially invited to my 8 bit wedding in the year 2016, gorgeous blog reader.
I’m not entirely sure who I will be walking down the aisle with, but he’ll be just as excited as I am about wedding invitations that look something along the lines of these – otherwise, I wouldn’t be marrying him. Duh!
<3
Princess O’Pizzeach
You call that a tip? How about I sew your anus shut.
Aug 21st
A midwife in China is accused of closing a patient’s no-no hole with a needle and thread during labour. Why? She claims she wasn’t tipped enough.
Apparently, you’re supposed to tip midwives in China, and apparently $15 isn’t a very good tip. Who knew?
The woman who got her butt-hole sewn shut by an angry midwife in Shenzen City obviously didn’t.
Remind me to tip my midwife really, really well the next time I give birth overseas.
Holy crap… Holy no crap.
Maybe if I had pulled a stunt like this when I was bartending I would have gotten stiffed less. And arrested more.
*shudder*
Now please watch this video of a badass dancing granny to help you recover from reading about that incident. I can’t send you away from this here website with sewn-up anuses (ani?) on the brain, now can I?
cows and cows and cows and CYRIAK HARRIS.
Aug 4th
Don’t watch this if you’re high. Seriously. A lot of kids freaked out on me after I posted this on Facebook.
Woah…Cyriak Harris just blew your FRICKING MIND!!!
I had to wiki this dude after stumbling upon his website. His awesome, awesome website. According to interweb authoritahs, Harris is a freelance animator guy from England known for his surreal short web animations.
“Cyriak displays a surreal and often disturbing animation style with a distinct British theme. Many of his animations are based on Z-List celebrities, television shows and his hometown of Brighton.”
Remind me never to go to Brighton… issss what I would say if I were a square, like yer MAHM (ayoooooh!).
If Brighton is anything like this, I’m going RIGHT MEOW and I’ll live there forever and ever amen like a character in some unfortunate hippy’s epic neverending acid trip.
meweirdyoulongtime.
Oooh oooooh – and guess who has the best freaky animated gif section on his website like, ever? It’s totally CYRIAK.
Allow me to share a few of my favourites – because blondespaz insomniacs shouldn’t have all the fun.
(warning: if you HAVE been smoking the drugs, you should probably navigate away from the page at this point, lest you trip the fachk out and make me feel bad for ruining your happy.)
How’s that for the morning awesome?
One more. This one’s even better than cows and cows and cows.
<3
Congratulations, Lisa Simpson!
Aug 1st
… is what I would have been saying, had my cartoon counterpart’s betrothed not dissed Homer’s sweet piggy cufflinks and proved himself to be a big ol’ British JOIK right before the wedding.
Mad props for ditching that D-bag before you got all nuptualized, Lees. You’re way too good for him, anyways. Plus, you’re only 23 years old! That’s too young for a smart blonde cookie to settle down… right?
right?
For a fictional wedding that didn’t actually happen, the Simpson-Parkfield affair sure is making some waves in the blogosphere. Some might even say it’s the wedding of the weekend…
Others, not so much.
<3 Lauren Marie O’Simpson-Parkfield.
Pizza Upskirts (and other weird sh*t I found online)
Jul 13th
If you can see the link to a Flickr gallery called “Pizza Upskirts” and not click on it, then all the power to ya, my pure & mature friend.
I was sort of relieved / disappointed to find that this album didn’t actually contain any of the creeper-style upskirt shots with mini-pizzas photoshopped over the NSFW bits I was half expecting.
Um, anyways – I was clearing out MORE pictures from my miniscule hard drive (whom I have named Thumbelina McDumdum) and I stumbled upon the following gems in one of my many old “hilar” folders.
I wish I could give image credit where image credit is due (for a change) but alas, I have no idea where most of these came from. I really really wish I did so that I could go back and find more weirdness. After seeing this tonight @ the Drake, I’m in the mood for offbeat… but I’m not even going to get into how incredibly, mind-blowing and NOT terrible Everything is Terrible is, ’cause that’s a whoooole other blogpost. One that I will write tomorrals.
Now laugh and/or feel uncomfortable, please:
(cyanide and happiness, ftw!)
And my favourite photo of the right now:
/whiz-bang wonderful
It seems as though my blog is experiencing a temporary identity crisis. Silly laurenoutloud.com – you’re not hosted by Tumblr!
omglate.
bed.
night!
<3 NizzlyLoo
PS - if you'd like to read some of my more... erm... coherent work for some reason, I've got a new post up on thestar.com’s intern blog. It’s about G20 Gawkers and citizen journalism.
I wrote a biglong story at work today too when I wasn’t busy writing up little crime gests. That felt good. As much as I adore writing about traffic fatalities and stabbings, sometimes it’s cool to stretch my legs in the box a bit.
Make believe cookies and Joe-nah-tin Wroooahhh
Jul 7th
Morning, maple leaf cookies!
Yeah, that’s right. I just addressed you as a cookie.
I’m excited because I found a package of these puppies in my mom and dad’s kitchen cupboard. They’re like, a Canadian delicacy or something I think.
I remember eating them at my grandma’s house as a (slightly younger) kid. I used to call them “make believe cookies”. I was an imaginative lass… to say the least.
It’s a shame you’re not really a maple leaf cookie, ’cause if you were, you’d have your own freakin’ INTERNET FAN CLUB! Maybe you already have one anyways though. What do I know? You could be Cher.
Are you? Cher?
Ahhh, it’s good to be home Too bad I have to head back to the city in less than an hour. Bleh. These visits just FLY by – especially when they’re only like, a day and a half long to begin with.
It’s not that I don’t just love the sweltering concrete jungle, but South-Western Ontario is so charming this time of year. Especially the little farmy community I grew up in.
(omgaw, I just Googled “chatham-kent farms” for a picture to show you how gorgeous my little ol’ hometown is and stumbled upon this wedding album, which has inspired me to declare that I will be married on a farm when I grow up. If I grow up. If I get married. If i don’t live in pineapple under the sea by then.)
Here’s that interview I did with Jonathan Roy the other night, if you’re interested.
Time for me to peace! The highway calls… *sigh*
<3 Lauren “Homesick already” O’Neil
Party on, Teens – Party on, McNizz…
Jul 4th
Today, I woke up with a throbbing migraine headache. It felt like there was a little caveman inside my head with one of those caveman bats beating the crap out of the inside of my head like “WRAHHHHH!”
Yeah, that guy. What a deck.
This, after spending almost all of Friday curled up in bed trying to recover from the worst bug I’ve had in years. What’s up with THAT?
I somehow managed to stumble into the kitchen for a glass of water and some Advil without vomiting all over myself (win!), and then it was back to pseudo-sleep… which at some point turned into actual sleep.
I woke up at 4:00 p.m. like “OH MY SNAP!” and jumped into the shower, feeling only slightly less yucky than a rotting heap of cabbages in the sun.
Cabbages? wth… no idea where that reference came from.
Anyhoo, I busted my butt downtown to shoot some stuff at PrideTO, got distracted by a sale at Zara on the way, and barely ended up making it to the non-pride-related interview I was booked for at 7. But I did.
Nate and Cory came too, and that just made it triple good.
More on hotness mcgee another day… It’s late and I’ve got to be up hecka early tomorrow because GUESS WHAT? My C-town babies are coming into town! eeee!!! I haven’t “eeee”d with so much enthusiasm since I saw Sister Act in my TV Listings yesterday! (What can I say? I’m easily enthused.)
I’m just itching to write about 20zillion long, thoughtful blog posts. I wish each day had 32 hours… but it does not.
On the plus side, Wayne’s World is on now so I’ve REALLY got to go. Watching movies until 5 a.m. counts as sleep if they’re really awesome movies, right?
(Halloween 2007 w/ Kari and Martina)
I just got tears in my eyes looking at that picture. I miss you guys, that city, those bars, that life, that family… so f*cking much. <3
- Lauren Algar
fuck yeah laubots!
Jul 2nd
I built these little guys at my parents’ house a few months ago while I was watching my shows. Since I’m incapable of sitting still and just watching TV and I was on one of my “no laptop after 9 p.m.” digital cleanses (I never last more than two days), I needed something to do with my hands.
Feeling creative and fixin’ to paint, I went down to the basement to dig out some old acrylics and a canvas.
I found the Lego first and it was like “F*CK YEAH LEGO!”
Is it cool that I didn’t even need to Google that term before knowing that a tumblog would already exist for it? That should totally be added to the rules.
“Rule 48: If it holds a spot on the “mildly cool to super awesome” continuum or inspires feelings of nostalgia among millennial hipsters, there will be a “fuck yeah” tumblr blog created for it.
Today is my one day off before it’s back to go-go-going for a zillion days straight. I must use this time wisely to a) get groceries, do laundry, clean apartment, etc. b) recuperate from gross summer cold c) run in the sun ’cause there’s nothin’ more fun and d) SHOP. I haven’t been back to my parents’ house (where 90% of my wardrobe still ives) in almost a month now, and I’m running out of basics. American Apparel, ahoy! And I mean that in a most UNhipstery way.
(this photo was a jest… please belieb!)
I figure Poopmerican Pooparel will have some great sales this week (I’m not above picking glass shards out of a deeply discounted denim romper).
Speakkking of which – I finally posted my G20 riot viddy. It’s only about 5 years late in news time. Like I said, life’s been… life.
Love Always,
L.
Queen Elizabeth Style Watch, Day 2
Jun 29th
Queen Elizabeth II is one seriously savvy senior, wouldn’t you say?
Homegirl Her Royal Highness is currently on day number two of a nine day Canadian tour, and she’s already dazzling the critics with her fashionable frocks and accessories.
At least, I assume she is.
Is there such thing as a monarchical wardrobe critic?
Whatever. The ever-so-elegant QE2 is in Halifornia right now, just doing her Queenly thing and looking flyer than a flock of foxes.
Is that b&w bow ensemble perfect or what? The hat, the dress, the coat – *muah*!
I’d dare to say she looks rather fierce, but a shoppie at Mendocino told me the other day that that word is SO 2009.
Duly noted.
Behold, Day one of her visit. A butter-yellow hat completes her rainy day ensemble (notice the matching cuffs and umbrella.)
I’ll be keeping an eye on what our (second) favourite celebrity octogenarian is wearing all week. I’m super excited to see what she sports when she comes to Toronto!
Which of her chic chapeaus will Queen Elizabeth II rock at the racetrack? A new one, perhaps… wait – is it un-queenly to wear the same thing twice?
ohhhh coolness be damned – This woman is FIERCE!
<3L
