It’s been a long, busy, and infinitely sparkly couple of days, my friends — NXNE concerts, comedy shows, weekend parties, THE SIMULTANEOUS LEAK OF KANYE’S NEW ALBUM AND THE BIRTH OF BABY YEEZUS, The MuchMusic Video Awards… I just got in from a string of afterparties and lounges for the latter that were, as usual, a lot more fun than the award show itself.
This is my fourth such weekend (remember the very first? holy crow was I dorky, awwww) and wouldn’t you know it that I finally had the bright idea to take a few vacation days to enjoy it properly? Same goes for TIFF 2013. BOOYAH. I’m brilliant.
Being that I won’t be ON DUTY for the MMVA portion of the fiasco this year (ie; rolling around with a microphone or camera,) I’m able to hit the exclusive NO PICTURES / TWEETS / VINES / KEEKS / GRAMS / AUTOGRAPHS / FRIG OFF NOOBS Universal Music Canada After party with Virgin Mobile, presented by Blackberry.
This will be a sick party.
Last year, I rolled around on the top of a bus with the guys who sing the song that goes “Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard, When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard” and then when I got inside the actual venue… well, it was good A really good party.
Want to come to this year’s party?
YOUR GIRL HAS GOT THIS. (As in me. I’m your girl.)
All you need to do is Tweet both me (@laurenonizzle) and Universal Music Canada (@universalmusicC) using the hashtag #UniAfterparty.
Example: “Hey @universalmusicC and @laurenonizzle — bring me to the #UniAfterparty!”
Make sure you’re following both accounts (so that we can DM you) and that you’re able to be in Toronto Sunday evening.
Winner will be chosen at random. If you win, you will be awarded two spots on the party’s Guest List — one for you, one for a friend. Without a name on that list, you won’t be able to get in, and if you attempt to take photos of someone inside the club or act like a fankid, you’ll be tossed. Fair warning.
BE COOL and join me on the dance floor. I’ll be the girl doing this:
P.S. — This hilarious video goes out to all of my fellow millennials. Mad cute (and painfully true in some parts *cough* like the iced coffee part…)
UPDATE, JUNE 13: CONTEST NOW CLOSED. THANKS TO ALL ENTRANTS AND CONGRATULATIONS TO WINNER DAN TEOH!
Hey ho, LEH-GO;
It’s been a week, guys. A solid one. Longer than seven days for sure, but what is TIME anyway? Really?
I’m going to drop this YouTube video of my recent standup comedy re-debut right off the top before I get into it because ME:
That was filmed about a month ago — the very day I moved to my new place, actually, hence the hair sitch. Shup. Here’s another video, this one made by Casie and her sweet phone. Even seeing my parents just now got me smiling. As bratty as I am towards them, I don’t love anyone else more.
The set I performed a couple of days ago during the gauntlet round of the 2013 Toronto Comedy Brawl was not recorded, but this is close enough:
Awwww, jaykay. It wasn’t my best set (out of the WHOLE THREE I’ve done) ever, but it got me through to the next round which is all I was really hoping for. I’ll write more about that when it happens. I also met some cool people — one of whom booked me for ANOTHER show Monday night!
COME! IT’S FREE!
Also free and sufficiently grand = This Prancercise demonstration video. I’m not going to write about how this came to be (because I already did that at length,) but I will encourage you to discover it for yourself. Read this story. Watch the video. Learn to prance. Buy different pants.
Even lulzier than the video are the Amazon reviews on her book. I love you Joanna Rohrback and I love you, like actually, as much as a god, lover, or family member, LOVE you, Internet.
Now riddle me this friends: How much do you know about Canada’s Senate? I mean, outside of the ongoing scandal headlines and vague memories from Grade 10 civic class?
As constantly immersed and in love with the world of news as I am, I’ve got to admit that I didn’t know much before hosting a Senate-themed episode of CBC Live Online Thursday evening. I’m still a bit foggy on the issue (it’s a foggy issue) but I learned a ton and it was a pleasure to speak with Senator Mobina Jaffer / all of our fantastic guests.
Replay the chat here if you’re so inclined and turn the volume down if you’ve got dogs in the room. My voice will make them jump out of windows.
Outfit of that day:
I also had the pleasure of speaking on a panel about innovation in news at work last week — a topic I’ve got plenty to say about beyond “GIFS RULE,” I swear.
— Andrew Yates (@yatesey) May 23, 2013
Lastly, OH MY GOSH THE ISLAND. Have you been to the freaking Toronto Islands? I took a ferry to Centre Island yesterday for Expedia’s TBEX party and I was just blown away. Big ups to my homie Alistair for the invite!
A few photos, if you will:
That last one is not from the island… I was just trying to take a selfie while kneeling on my own forehead afterwards like the weekend winner that I am.
IT’S GAME OF THRONES TIME NOW BYE BYE LOVE YOU.
**UPDATE: 12:35 a.m. — post Game of Thrones**
Crystal Light moustache all day.
Happy humpday homies!
I’m blogging to you from my new pad this evening for what feels like the second time ever, despite the fact that I’ve been here for a solid three weeks now.
What can I say? organizing your own apartment with furniture and appliances and lamps and stuff takes a lot of time — especially when you’re skint on minutes in the first place and living in a neighbourhood that just beckons you to go outside and play in the grass BECAUSE IT’S SPRING NOW HELLO and look at all of the pretty flowers and dapper gents and THINGS TO SEE.
I’ve been trying to lay low on certain types of events lately — focusing more on professional happenings, good parties, work work work and hanging with friends.
I’m really good at billiards, guys. vine.co/v/b9h5BblQDZm
— Lauren O’Neil (@laurenonizzle) May 20, 2013
Also big in my life right now is the comedy thing. In a slow, small way, that’s moving forward. I booked two gigs without even trying out of a standup showcase I did a few weeks ago, and I’ve started taking improv classes at the Second City Training Centre too.
When the time is right, I’ll share more of that stuff online. For now, I’m having fun doing me IRL (and on the Twitter, natch.)
Here are a few recent happenings of note, so that when I come and read this blog in 40 years I remember the past month as something other than the month I bought so many lamps.
Mesh Conference 2013:
I hit the annual MESH conference last Wednesday morning courtesy of my homies at NextMontreal and, while I was stoked for the “Future of Journalism” keynote by Josh Benton of the Nieman Journalism Lab, winning a new Monster Factory friend in a game of internet pictionary was the highlight of my day.
The TFI New Labels Gala:
The Toronto Fashion Incubator’s New Labels gala is always a pleasure to attend — even if only for an hour or two. Working late saw me miss most of the party, but I arrived just in time for the fashion show / competition winner announcement which, really, is what I was there to see.
Sarah Stevenson (deservingly) took home the prize for 2013 — and what a prize it is. Not only did she score $25,000 from Suzanne Rogers and a full page feature in Flare, by this time next year, her collection will be sold in 124 Target stores across Canada. Props, Sarah!
Canadian Media Directors’ Council Conference:
I recently got the cool opportunity through work to play MC for a day-long series of top notch speeches and panels at the TIFF Bell Lightbox. Here’s what I wore, because I know that’s what you’re most curious about if you’re anything like me.
Never one to shy away from the stage (GIMME DAT MIC,) I had a blast. I love that stuff. I was stoked to be asked, and even more stoked to meet the makers of said speeches (er, speakers) in the greenroom / at dinner before the conference.
It was fascinating to hear what the Atlantic’s Derek Thompson had to say about millennials, in particular, as I’ve been writing a lot of generational demographics lately.
“Young consumers have a way of forgetting everything. In 2004, the most popular phone was the Motorola Razr. It no longer exists.” #CMDC2013
— Lauren O’Neil (@laurenonizzle) April 23, 2013
— Lauren O’Neil (@laurenonizzle) April 23, 2013
You can relive the entire day through Tweets in this excellent Storify.
I’m not just saying this because I was involved, but that was one of the strongest single-day conferences I’ve been to in years.
There are four zillion things I want to share with you here that AREN’T related to my social comings and goings and snappings, but ain’t nobody got time for (or the liberty to speak about some of) that. You may notice that I added my RebelMouse feed to the front page of this here site!
Think of it as a personally curated feed of interesting things, important news stories and photos of my face, just for you.
Last but not least, this man took the same video of himself at the ages of 20 and 30 to produce this splitscreen video. Enjoy it. It’s great.
Nevermind, I lied. THIS is last — and the furthest from least there is. Daft Punk’s Get Lucky x Soul Train, YEAHHHH!
HAPPY SPRING FROM THE GARDEN ON MY LEGS, BITCHES!
Bwahahaha. I don’t normally use such strong language on my blog, but that made me laugh out loud so imma keep it, The B-word is kind of neutral these days anyway, isn’t it? Flowers are not neutral (NOR IS LEOPARD PRINT AND IT NEVER WILL BE MOM.)
But Fiverr, guys. Oh my god, Fiverr.
For all of the years I’ve been using that website to pull really weird $5 pranks on my loved ones (for the price of a latte, it’s SO worth it) HOW HAVE I NEVER DISCOVERED THE RANDOM BUTTON?
Happy mother’s day?
All this time I’ve been creeping Fiverr categories like “extremely bizarre” and “puppets” when I could have been clicking “surprise me!” and finding things like Rasta Soap, foot fetish people stringy things, pudding videos and this dog who will give me freaking a tour of Ho Chi Minh city!
If you couldn’t tell, I said that in a really bad Jamaican accent. But of course you could.
Now, onto the very reason for this post: an illustration of Sansa Stark from the Game of Thrones that you can download a JPEG of for right now for only fiiiiive dollars (hollah!)
When the suprise button brought that up for me, I laughed at the randomness of Sansa as a character choice.
If someone were to select any character from the greatest series in the history of television (right now), why would it be SANSA? Crybaby Sansa doesn’t even have a dragon or a direwolf (anymore) or is Margaery!
And then I saw the related gigs.
Oh yes, there are more, and they’re just… delightful Truly. I was squealing with delight when I saw them.
Presented without comment (though I reckon you can surmise what I think of these drawings by the title of this post) Drafty Bob’s Game of Thrones fan art!
3. Tyrion Lannister:
A ladymonkey Khaleesi / Danaerys Targaryen:
5. Khal Drogo (RIP):
6. Robb Stark:
7. Cersei Lannister (betch):
8. Lord Littlefinger (jerk):
9. Jaime Lannister, King Slayer (2/10, would not bang.):
10. Derpya Stark:
11. Jorah Mormont
12. Jon Snow:
I left Jon Snow for last because a) It’s just… so good… and b) I have a Jon Snow-related story.
I SAW JON SNOW ON KING ST. THE OTHER NIGHT.
That’s pretty much the entire story, save for how I stopped in the middle of an intersection because I couldn’t believe it and then asked everybody at the streetcar stop if it was actually him.
Nobody knew what I was talking about.
“DON’T YOU WATCH GAME OF THRONES?” I shouted, before promptly Tweeting out “Is Kit Harrington in Toronto right now?”
Turns out, he very much is.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
I’d be remiss not to mention that he bent down to give money to a homeless lady outside of the Tim Horton’s right after we passed, like a true Lord. A Stark/Targaryen Lord, perhaps? JUST SAYING.
I’ll leave you with this, ACTUAL video I made for mother’s day, because it’s cute. I also sent flowers to her because my mom rules and has been so very patient and helpful throughout the course of this move — as in she pretty much organized my entire place for me. It looks awesome.
I live by the personal philosophy that any problem one could ever possibly encounter as a human being living in 2013 can be solved using the World Wide Web — and I’ve got one heck of a colourful cache to show for it.
In the past 24 hours alone, I’ve used the internet to make lunch (HI COLLARD GREEN WRAPS), dress myself, show the world that Anna Wintour and Kim Kardashian are total BFF twinsies and diagnose myself with… pretty much every disease ever (just like I do every other day).
Last week, my buddy Evan challenged me to open a magical cuban puzzle box at work and I GOOGLED MY WAY TO SUCCESS with that too (he called it cheating. I called it resourceful.)
For as long as I can remember — or, for at least as long as I’ve had a smartphone — the internet has been answering most of the random questions and solving many of the problems I’ve throw its way.
And Lately, I’ve noticed that the web has started to solve the problems I didn’t even know I had yet — and well.
Later, I was catching up on the goss when ALL OF THE SUDDEN a smart ad appears in the side bar of some fashion website advertising an online flower company called TeleFlora– with a subhead announcing that, as a CAA member, I can get a mad discount on mother’s day flowers.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I WAS A CAA MEMBER, INTERNET?
Whatever. Unlike the NastyGal and Nordstrom ads that follow me around the internet and compelling me to buy clothes I can’t afford, this smart ad was useful — in multiple ways.
a) It reminded me that Mother’s Day is on Sunday (AND NOW YOU KNOW THAT TOO… if you didn’t already.)
b) It provided me with a relevant, personalized discount based on my CAA membership.
c) It informed me (though I should likely already have known this) that I don’t need to use a telephone to order flowers for my mom long-distance anymore. Being that I absolutely hate talking to anyone on the telephone, this type of service is much appreciated. Hej do, 1-800-Flowers, HALLO TELEFLORA.
I’ll most definitely be sending Mama O’Nizzle some flowers this year, along with something else special because she’s worth more than all of the internet flowers in the world combined — plus, I like to get creative (see: last year’s gift.)
But I’d like to send these ones below out to another mother of sorts. She doesn’t give me sunshine, like Mother Nature, or help me organize my entire apartment like Mother O’Nizzle, but she does guide me through life as much as any parent must have guided their 20-somethings in the pre-digital age.
These internet flowers (currently being eaten by a LOLcat, natch) go out to you, Mother Internet.
I’m not dead — just reeling with busy. Between my upcoming standup comedy re-debut and packing up my entire life, I’ve not had much leisure time (like, of the non laying on the couch and watching TV / partying with my friends variety.)
— Lauren O’Neil (@laurenonizzle) April 26, 2013
I’ve been spending most of my precious computer time in recent weeks writing jokes, revamping scripts, doing research, Tweeting dumb shizz and you know, working at work. So much. Newsy time right now, and those are the best times to be in news.
I’ll get funny on the blogs (/vlogs) again soon, I swear it. Big tings popping
More later. Much to document. Moving sucks. Ruffle socks rule — as does that Topshop dress above that I later learned is also owned by HRH THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE EEEEE!
P.S. – My homies at Samsung Canada brought a freaking hologram out at their GS4 launch party the other night and THAT is blogworthy — Enough so that I ran up to the front of the stage to Keek it, natch. Nicely done Fiestogram.
Apr 25, 2013 | Holy moly! @SamsungCanada has brought out hologram Fiest!!! #gs4canada by laurenonizzle on Keek.com
Hey hai happy humpday ladies and gentlekids! Now please, for the love of cripes, chill.
I did not delete my blog (okay, I did, but not on purpose or for very long) I am not lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did (see?) and like, thank you white knights for your “IS EVERYHING OKAY?!” messages but I do not need your *hugz* or “to talk?”
I’ve simply been busy… and perhaps a little bit too forthcoming with the emo-stagrams?
COME ON, IT’S ENDLESS WINTER! You’re depressed too.
In all seriousness though, I’m good.
Work is awesome awesome awesome, my comedy stuff is progressing nicely, and sheet, I’ll be darned if the exhaustion of Lau is not the evolution of Lauren as well.
In fact, I have some exciting (for me) news to share on that front…
UNF! Right? Such a sick video.
Also grand? This image I found on Reddit the other day called “1993″ vs “2003″ :
This white-nosed black squirrel I found in a bush on King St. yesterday (!!!) :
Annnnnd Anthony Jeselnik, Daniel Tosh (it’s Tuesday) and pretty much everything I Tumbled last night.
But I digress.
Here’s what’s up: just over one week ago today, I signed the lease on a brand new pad — My first real grownup apartment. No roomies, no parents, no boyfriend, just me. BOOYAH / Holy f–k.
As cool as that is, it’s scary too. I’m stressed out about moving my stuff again, kind of nervous about being responsible enough to manage my own householdish, and still very much dealing with the circumstances surrounding this move — but I’m also stoked as heck to be in a place where I can finally afford my own apartment in downtown Toronto.
I’d always kind of assumed that as a young journalist I’d have to sell at least 50 3D-printed kidneys on the black market BEFORE I could spend money on things like… lamps and tables for lamps to go on… so this is a big thing for me.
Leaving Liberty Village was a very conscious decision – one that was bittersweet.
I loved this neighbourhood when I first moved into it a few years ago, but the deluge of new condos has made it feel like even less a part of the city than it was before, which is shocking considering how closed off it already is. There’s so little culture here too that the vibe feels almost… suburban.
My building has become choked out by new condos around it, overcrowded with obnoxious yuppies and uh, bye bye awesome view.
Judge for yourself. The rest of Toronto did, and I’m not just being a hipster. Liberty Village has changed — and in this girl’s opinion, not for the better. I will miss my crystal castle, but I’m happy about where I’m headed too (also downtown west.)
You’ll see tons of “LOOK AT MY NEW LAMP” photos once I actually move in a few weeks, but for now I’d like to reflect upon the apartment hunting process itself — because if there’s anything more hilariously frustrating than trying to find a second dancing James Brown doll to lampify, it’s trying to find a nice yet affordable 1 bedroom place to rent in a cool neighbourhood in the heart of Canada’s largest city.
Spoiler alert: I worked really effing hard.
(To be continued…)
What up, frands?
Life is straight up crazy for me right now — so much change afoot. Good changes. Strange changes. Stressful changes. EXCITING changes!
I don’t even know where to begin with that stuff, so here’s this instead:
Dogs wearing pantyhose, or Gou Gou Chuan Siwa, is a thing right now on the Chinese Internet (which is the same Internet we’re on, only incomprehensible unless you speak Mandarin or Cantonese — in which case I’m sincerely jealous of you.) :
The photo fad is pretty self-explanatory at a tertiary glance: Dogs + Pantyhose = Dogs wearing pantyhose.
Instructions for participation: Put pantyhose on your dog. Maybe some heels, also. Take a picture. Upload it to Weibo. Laugh and laugh and laugh and wait for PETA to go HAM.
You can also try to put pantyhose on your cat, but I don’t recommend doing that. I’m down a nice pair of pantyhose and at least 3 drops of blood.
I do love a good Weibo meme — much more so than a lot of what I’m seeing on the North American viral web lately, which I’ve already betched about at length on here and on Twitter so I won’t go too deep into it.
To quote my own CBCNews piece on the lameness of a trend called “Vadering” that Mashable / Buzzfeed / All of those guys hailed as totally epic and awesome “It would appear as though some people are growing tired of these flash-in-a-pan memes…”
To quote Geekosystem’s Rollin Bishop, who doesn’t need to appear as unbiased as I do:
“At the risk of sounding like Old Man Internet telling all the new folks to get off his lawn, we all should really just agree that Vadering is not actually an Internet meme. At best it’s a sad attempt to seed the beginnings of one, and at worst it’s the scummiest kind of viral marketing. Either way, there’s definitely nothing good going on.”
Back to the wonders of Weibo, though.
Sina Weibo, as you may know, is a massively popular microblogging service often described as “Chinese Twitter” even though it’s more of a Twitter / Facebook hybrid according to people who can actually use it.
Like me, a lot Chinese internet memes are weird — at least to North Americans — which is probably why I like them. They’re fresh. Almost freshly weird the Japanese internet — like Japanese things in general. But that’s another book. Maybe I’ll write it from Osaka. A girl can dream… of STUFF LIKE THIS:
I’m not trying to say that a “dogs in pantyhose” photo meme is any more clever or cool than something like the Harlem Shake (which I openly revile, for so many reasons), but it’s definitely weirder. It’s funny, it’s odd, and it kind of makes people uncomfortable, which makes it edgy.
This is what life has come to. Hailing housepets in women’s lingerie as “edgy” on my blog. Be proud, mommy. Now, for the unfinished blog post I started last week whilst home for the rock opera holiday:
“Bonjeezy. I’m watching Jesus Christ Superstar with my parents right now because it’s Easter, and that’s what we do around these parts. That, and eat so much food it hurts.
Being that my mom and dad — who grew up in the 70′s when this film came out and still kind of believe in God stuff (mom, anyway) don’t appreciate my snarky running commentary, scream-sing-alonging and Simon-style zealot dancing, I’ve decided to share some my awesome thoughts with YOU because now even Twitter can’t even handle the amount of characters I’m about to throw down.
A little bit of background: I’ve seen this movie no less than 20 times and the broadway musical twice. I was actually pretty obsessed with in back in Grade 8 when my parents ordered the Soundtrack. I’d play it in my room and sing along while acting scenes out with my teddy bears, which tells you a lot about why I didn’t really fit in at school so well.
THOUGHTS ON JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, 2013 VIEWING.
- Judas is such a hater – like, the biggest hater ever. What does he even do in this film aside from sit in the corner and scowl before scuttling over to bitch at Jesus?
“Ugh, Jesus, I can’t believe you’re hanging out with Mary Magdalene.”
“Wahhh, Jesus you’re letting way too many people into our crew.”
“Jeeeesus, that ointment is expensive. You’re flippant and careless with your money.”
Do you know what my lady mags call people like that, Jeez? TOXIC FRIENDS.
Judas can’t handle your success right now. He’s jealous — and I’ve got half a mind to think that if Mary Magdalene weren’t so gaga for you, he’d have tried to schtoop her for spite.
Instead, he ratted you out to a bunch of murderers.
If only Cosmo had existed in 0 A.D.
- Jesus is an emo kid. If Judas is Regina George, Jesus is Daria.
You know that awesome scene were Simon and all of his cool hippie friends dance for Jesus (in 110 degree heat, by the way — not comfortable) and instead of saying “Wow, thank you guys so much! You didn’t need to do this. Like, wow… seriously. Thanks.” he’s all “NONE OF YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT POWER OR GLORY IS.”
If I were Simon I’d have been like “I get it, you’re stressed, but I feel a little bit hurt right now. We choreographed this entire dance and danced REALLY REALLY hard for you just now and all you can do is call us uninformed? Fine, Jesus. Go save Africa then. I’m going home.”
That’s as far as I got in my critique before I got mad distracted by my (now complete!) apartment hunt again.
My Easter break was nice. Always good to get home to see the fams SEE INSTAGRAM FOR MORE PICS BECAUSE I AM LE TIRED AND DON’T FEEL LIKE UPLOADING THEM ALL.
In other news, it’s April Now, which means I’m up on the Movember calendar! Cool!
Also: Did you know that there’s a subreddit devoted to GIFs of chemical reactions?
I’m off to watch Season 3 Episode 2 of GoT. Now matter how many cool things happen in real life, this will always be the highlight of my week
Night night. More on the place sitch next time
No duckface, even. Times, as I said, they are a changing.